Petty

Just a mess of thoughts running through my crazy mind. I do not know what to feel, what to think, or even what to write. This is probably going to spill out like jelly beans from a knocked over jar, a mess of color that looks pretty, but sucks to clean up after. SO many people are getting married or engaged now. I guess I have hit that age. My friend Alysha just had a baby, my cousin is pregnant, my friends Meghan, Keyera, and Lauren all got engaged within this month. It is just a mess of stuff to take on at one time. So far, I have 10 friends that are engaged and 6 married friends. Not all of the married friends are ones I talk to on a regular basis or are friends I am particularly close to, but it just trips me out knowing that this many people are settled down or preparing to settle down. It's not that I am unhappy about their new found happiness, if anything, I am ecstatic for them! I am just overwhelmed by THIS much joy and love going on. That sounds equally cynical, but I am just feeling lost and left behind. I thought I was going to be one of those people, but not this soon. Now that it is no longer a reality for me, I feel a bit bitter when I see others taking on that feat. It is good for them. I just wish that I weren't hurting right now and their happiness weren't highlighting my own disappointment.

Stop being ridiculous Christina. I need to be happy for my friends. I need to embrace their happiness and not hold any unpleasant feelings during their time of excitement and bliss. This is a time to celebrate, not to mourn your own selfish losses. Grow up.

First Meet

Today is going to be a good day! I can feel it in the air, this is God's day. Today my mom, my dad, and my grandma and I are all headed out to Port Hueneme to see Jason lead worship and preach at his church. I am so excited! I have seen him play drums for worship and mandolin; I have also seen him do a short worship time for his worship design class, but I have never truly seen him in his element. I am so excited to see him on stage worshiping, as well as, excited to hear him speak. I know he is going to be great and God is going to work through him. He has been a bit stressed about his speech so I am happy that it is almost over only because he will feel better. I am really excited to hear it though! This is also the first time our parents are meeting. It was supposed to be just my mom and his mom meeting, then heading to lunch as the four of us. However, my grandma decided she really wanted to go and his mom Mary said that was fine. Then my dad decides he wants to come so that explains that. It should be fine though. I am mostly looking forward to my mom meeting his mom. His mom is so wonderful. I've only met her twice and I love her already. She makes me feel so welcomed, comfortable, loved, and appreciated. It took her less than 5 minutes to do all that and I was completely blown away. I fell in love with her instantly! I have never met anyone as nice as my mom and I was so excited to meet someone who is just as kind-hearted and loving as my own mother. It also explains a lot about Jason, which I love! Anyway, I will have to update how the sermon and meeting actually went, but until then wish us luck!

A New Path

It is amazing how quickly your life can change. One day, you are driving along this road that has twists and turns, but you are prepared for all of them. When all of a sudden, the road has changed and nothing around you looks familiar. You are suddenly lost, just as quickly as you realize this and begin to fear, you spot a familiar sign in the distance and sigh in relief that there is comfort and refuge at the end of this strange and new road.

In so many ways, that has become my life. Everything for me has changed, in more ways than one. A few weeks ago, nothing made sense. I was, however, comfortable. I was confused, but content in my confusion because it was familiar. I could deal with it because I had been dealing with it for 2 years. Now, everything has literally changed. I am no longer in that place, with that man, or doing anything I had done before. Someone who was once so adamantly involved in my life, has since vanished. There are the occasional break down moments where I reach for that phone, dial that all too familiar number, and cry to the man I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. That wasn't God's plan, and if we are completely honest with ourselves (which we should be) it was never mine either. I knew in the end I could not marry him, I hoped, however, that something would happen, something would change that for me. Something did happen. He did what I could have never done. He walked away. It hurts, it honestly breaks my heart. I am struggling with it more than I let anyone know. Even when I talk to people about how hurt I am, I am hiding. Hiding behind my constant smile, even hiding behind my tears. I lost the man I love, I had to let him go. I am dealing with the pain of that now more than ever and will continue to deal with it for a very long time. Last night, in senior chapel, the preacher talked about us going and God showing. We have to go, for God to show us. Faith is believing, not seeing. How true that is. I had to keep praying for weeks, months really, about what I should do about Chris. I knew I needed more, I needed something to change. It wasn't going to change, I always knew that deep down, but I always hoped because I loved him. When it didn't, and I made that call asking him if he was out, I received the response that stabbed at my insides and let me know what I needed to know. I knew he was going to break up with me, I knew if he wasn't, that I needed to. So after many tears and breakdowns, I got in the car and drove to him. I went, I took that leap of faith praying that God would lead me. I ended up on his door step and God gave me a gift. He gave me the gift of honesty. Honesty with myself, with him, and in the whole situation. He gave me words, words to say to explain how I felt and what I really needed out of this that I wasn't getting. He gave me the gift of not having to do the deed myself. I believe God knew I was not strong enough to do it, not in a place where I could do it, and I needed him to do it. I needed Chris to be the strong one for us for one last time and he was. He did it for me and for him. We needed that, he knows that. He has been true to that as well. I know I couldn't go back. Do I want to? Yes, a lot of the time I do. I want that familiarity back, the comfort, having someone who's knows me better than anyone else. I cannot, however, rightfully do that. God showed me that. After driving home, back to school, I made a call. A call to another man. A man who has stood by my side through all of this. Has repeatedly shown me what I need, what is right, and what God has in store for me. He calmed me down, he talked me home, and he embraced me with open arms when I got there. He is the man I now love. It happened so quickly, yes. It took me by surprise, yes. I never expected this to happen, yes. I am terrified on so many different levels, yes. But despite all of the doubts and fears that creep into my mind on a day to day basis, he has been there. He has never left. I don't believe it ever will. He is in my life because God placed him there. We feel God in our relationship, something neither of us has ever felt before, and something we could never go back from because it is so right there seems to be no other way to really be with someone without Him. I did not know what to think when this all happened. In a way, I still don't. I struggle and I am down, but the difference is I have a God who loves me, a man who loves me, and a man that can make me smile and laugh when I need it the most. He doesn't realize how much he is doing for me, but God does. God knows me, He knows me better than ANYONE. He knows where I would be, what would happen if I did not have these people in my life. I needed to see what it looked like to be loved, what that meant for my life. I needed to see what God's love looked like through another person. He has given me a wonderful man that has shown me all that. He shows me something new every day. He shows me what I need and want, every day. I still cannot believe how easy, quickly, and deeply I fell for him. He has been my best friend for years and now I can genuinely say I am dating my best friend. It took me time to make Chris my best friend, but Jason and I already have that foundation. I couldn't imagine being with him or anyone without it. He makes me want to smile, want to be happy, want to be a better person. That's what it is all about, right? I want to talk to God together, I want to pray together. I want to share everything from struggles to praises together. I have NEVER experienced anything like that before. It is the most incredible feeling. The earthly struggles and hard times that get me down, where Jason doesn't know how to help me, is where I miss Chris. That shouldn't matter, but it does. I need that yes, but everything takes time. Chris knew what I needed physically and emotionally. Jason knows me spiritually and that is more valuable than anything else I ever could have received from my two years with the other man. Do I still miss him and struggle with not being together? Yes, I cannot deny that. God keeps showing me something new, however, that I need even more I just never had it so I never knew the true value behind that spiritual connection. I love them, both of them. In very different ways and I cannot rightfully be with someone knowing my heart is still with another. When that day comes and I have let go of my past, I will give him my heart. My whole heart and the most wonderful part about it is that I know he will be standing there, waiting, smiling, and there will be nothing that will keep us apart. God has a plan. I don't know the plan and frankly, I don't want to know. I trust Him, I trust where He is taking me and all I need to do now is just go. God will take care of everything, I know that. I know not being with Chris is right. I know he never could have given me what God needed me to have. I know that Jason is right. I know that he can give me everything God has in store for my life. He will help me stay in line with God, and He knows I need that more than any material things I could have ever gotten somewhere else. I value him so much and I am literally so thankful God has brought him into my life.

God, You are so great. I love You so much. You have stood by my side through the thickest of times. We have gotten through them together before, and we will do it yet again. You have placed some incredibly wonderful people in my life. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am even more thankful I have You Lord. You give me strength, comfort, shelter, refuge, and a life that has meaning. A life I want to praise You with, give to You, and be fruitful in Your loving eyes. I want to be near You. I want to know You better. Help me to seek You first God. Help me to be a beacon of hope and truth for Your Word and Your love. I love You God, I love You.

Forever 21

I cannot believe that today is the day I turn 21. This is such a weird feeling. This is the last "big deal" birthday. From here on out, they are only significant in increments of 10 (ex. 30, 40, 50).

I'm so happy! I have wonderful friends, a wonderful family, wonderful like. I am fortunate enough to be able to go to this incredible Christian school. I love it here and will be sad when I leave. I cannot believe this is my last birthday here. I have experienced so much here and have some wonderful memories and relationships I get to take with me when I leave. This is going to be a crazy day and granted I do not get to spend much time for myself, but I am still happy I get to be with the people I want to be with. 21 years of life, that's so crazy! I look forward to so many more!

Thank you God for the blessing of life, love, and happiness!

Left in the Midst

What have you lost?

I lost my best friend.
I lost the love of my life.
I lost my heart.
I lost him.
I lost a part of myself.
I lost my other half.
I lost hope.
I lost my plans.
I lost my comfort.
I lost my support.
I lost love.
I lost my future.
I lost happiness.
I lost everything.

What am I left with?

Pain, so much pain. Heartache. I am left with an overwhelming desire for it all to be set right, for the pain to subside and for there to be a sense of calm over my soul. Most importantly, I am left with God, broken and alone.

Sweet

Sometimes, people say the sweetest things!

Haha...stop it! But thank you! You're freakin amazing and ridiculously gorgeous inside and out. I didn't tell you this but your faith that God would provide through your whole mom thing was amazing and inspiring and showed just how much you truly are a gorgeous woman of God! Love you!

This was from Sam after I commented on her Facebook profile picture telling her she is gorgeous. Gotta love the encouragement! ;)

To be Continued...

So Tuesday was a good day. I started out with breakfast with Jonathan in the caf, that was fun and we got to talk to each other and other girls in the group. We've been scooping out the ones he might be interested in. Apparently it's my job to "make it happen" for him. We'll see how that goes, but he cracks me up. I'm so happy he is back, he's an awesome best friend and I missed him while he was in Germany. I didn't spend as much time (this is back to choir camp week by the way) in the room singing because of so many things that needed to be taken care of for that evening and the following evening, but I did enough. I had my first meeting with Josh that day. We have known each other since our freshman years, coming in as freshman together and being both music majors, but we never really made it pass the acquaintance stage. It was so nice discussing what we wanted out of this year for both of our ensembles and where we see it going. He is just as organized as I am, at least closer than the last, and I loved that he wanted to sit down and discuss everything thoroughly so we were consistently on the same page. We seem to have the same goals and hopes for both Men's Chorale and Bel Canto and how we went to see them come together. I'm excited to see the bond and sense of community that will be laid out over the next few months. So we discussed beach bash and our plans for that. Then later we met with Kandace and Jake, chaplains for both of our groups, and got their input on the agenda for the worship time with MC and BC. We had a good time that night singing for one another and I feel Bel Canto did one of their best jobs ever that night, especially as a first time performance on a few days practice. I did not get as much of an opportunity to get to know new people, but that's ok. I did get to sing Operator, my song!, that day for the choir. It was so fun! They were so shocked, the returners more than anyone else, but they cheered afterward, which was very sweet.I met with Josh, Marian, Jasymn, and Brian at the caf for dinner to discuss the beach bash. UCO decided to join us this year, which made both Josh and myself very excited. We planned out the whole night. I was handling the food with Pam, Josh was going the next day with her to pick up drinks, we all brought smores stuff, and then we would have a worship time and a time to discuss (the three of us) about what we want out of this year. Josh would give the intro and closing statements with a challenge to be in more community, I would give the speech on what community is and what that looks like for our choir and the year, and Marian would talk about how to act that out and what that will mean for the groups as a whole. It was a good day overall I think. Wednesday wasn't bad either. I had breakfast again with Jonathan. This time we had more of the girls joining us. I think they are warming up to him which he couldn't be happier about. Then went to choir camp. I had my first sectional, that was fun. It was a bit nerve racking having Mrs. Hughes in the room playing for me. She left for the first 15 minutes while I tested their voices and placed them in SS1 of SS2, so that was fun. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though. I love her, she's so great, I was just nervous she would think I did a poor job. She was great though, so I had nothing to worry about. After sectionals we just sang for the rest of the day. We attempted to get out early so we could get to the beach bash on time. I was fairly frustrated with that because I still needed to go pick up the car from the Mooney's (so nice of them to let me use it for the beach bash and drive to DH's house the next day) and I needed to go home and change. I wasn't too late picking up the girls, maybe a couple minutes behind, but the traffic is what got me. It was endless. I didn't get to talk to Elizabeth, Amira, or Emily Sulak much (they were in my car), but since Katherine sat in the front we got a lot of one on one time. I did learn about their majors and what they want to do, but Katherine and I probably bonded the best. She is so sweet, I was happy to have her in my car. I loved getting to know her, that's one of my favorite parts of being president. The girls are all so wonderful and I'm eager to get to know each of them individually.

Comfort Zone

Let's talk a little bit about what my life has been/looked like for the past few weeks.

Choir camp was AMAZING! All the girls are so incredibly wonderful and I had so much fun spending time with them, connecting with them, learning about them, and really getting to know them. It was nice to have a car to drive to the events with this year (thanks to the Mooney's). I got the chance to really get to know the women in my car. They are all so wonderful and have so much to offer. I feel so blessed to be apart of such an incredible group. The parent's dinner went exceptionally well. It was so nice having my mom and grandma there. I walked around like a crazy person and introduced myself to a good chunk of the people, more than last year at least. It was really fun when we took them into a room and let them get to know us. I really do love being in charge, it makes me feel confident and good about myself to be up in front with all my officers backing me up and supporting me. Then we sang, which was nice. Spent a lot of time with Jonathan, love that kid. We have definitely become very close over the past few years and he is definitely my best friend. The whole night he was trying to spot girls he would be interested in dating, then texting me their name telling me to "make it happen." It was nice at the end of the night too. This girl Caitlin came up and somehow ended up spilling her story, she started crying, I hugged her, and I offered (since she was homesick) to come stay with me. She did stay for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night, as did another homesick girl that I didn't find out about until the next morning. After talking with Caitlin for quite awhile, Jessica and her parents came up and talked to me. She was on of the girls I spent a lot of time talking to this summer and her parents were so sweet to thank me for talking with her and helping her all summer. I was touched by that. It makes everything that goes wrong all worth it. It reminded me of when Madison (who is now my really good friend) and her parents came up to me and said the same thing during parent's night. Anyway, I offered for Jessica to stay at my apartment as well if she got lonely. She never did take me up on that, but I think that's a good thing. I'm glad she got acquainted with people on her own floor and with her room. So then Monday came around. I was so happy with how many names I knew. I felt like I knew everyone's name by Monday morning since I had been practicing over the summer to get them all down. I did not get to eat breakfast that morning, however, because when I finally found Rachel she walked up to me crying and I had to take her to the counseling office and then go get her when she was done. I know it is bad to baby them when they get here, but I felt she needed that. After dropping her off I spent some time talking to her mom on the phone. She explained she had a hard time with this when she transitioned from junior high to high school as well. Anyway, she ended up staying with me too in my apartment for three nights. So I had two girls with me. One on Joanna's bed in my room (which she still doesn't know). The other one on the couch, because she felt more comfortable there so she could fall asleep with her boyfriend on the phone. Anyway, it wasn't terrible having them stay, but it was exhausting. I get up very early, go to bed late, and I had to be on my "A" game all day with the girls and keep it up, even when I was at home needing a break. So Monday choir camp was fun, we spent a nice amount of time talking, playing games, singing, and all that. I LOVED getting to take my section into a separate room and play my own game with them. We played 2 truths and a lie. You have to do exactly that, say two truths and one lie and they have to decide which one is the lie. It was fun, they didn't get it right. I said I used to be a semi-professional ballroom dancer, I read the Dictionary for fun, and I'm allergic to lemons. They guessed the dancing, but it's the lemons since I'm not allergic to anything. My returner girls couldn't have an opinion since they, most likely, already knew the answer. Anyway, that was the best time getting to know them. I found out on of the girls Elizabeth can speak Romanian and that made me super happy. So the rest of the day went well. We had our communion that night, which was amazing. I got a lot of it recorded on my camera which was so wonderful. It is my favorite time of the year. The sound we make together as singers is just phenomenal and blows my mind every time! The speakers were incredible, I felt so inspired and I was proud of myself for not crying for the first year ever.... and then Jon talked to me... After worship, Jon Lord came up to talk to me. He asked if there was anything he could pray for me about and that just blew me away. He asks every year, but how thoughtful and wise he is about knowing that I need it the most when choir and school begins makes me so happy to be here in a place where people care enough about you to pray for and with you. So I said just for the girls. That they would have a good year and I can help them in anyway I can. I cried a little bit, and jokingly yelled at Jon for always making me cry. So he put his hands on me and gave this wonderful prayer. Jessica G. came up and jumped into our prayer group. It was so nice having her there, because I really do miss her in choir. I never realized how much her presence meant to me until she left. It is good for her and me to not be in an ensemble together again though. Anyway, they both prayed for me, made me cry harder, then she left. I then did something I did not expect to do and is very much out of my comfort zone, which seems to be God's theme for my life this year. I realized I had never asked Jon what I could pray for him about. It occurred to me that many people don't ask him that, based on his shocked expression, because we are so used to him being the one to reach out, but I felt it was necessary for me to reach out to him as my friend and brother in Christ as well. So he told me and I prayed for him, out loud. I am not like that normally. I am very private about my prayer life, I hate praying out loud because as stupid as it sounds, I don't feel like I'm good at it. After praying for him, he hugged me and thanked me. That was so kind and then I went and led a meeting of the officers to debrief the day. It was so nice sitting in front like that, leading, being in charge. I've done it before, but it just felt different this time. I feel different about who I am now. I have grown, I'm older, soon to graduate, it's crazy! So I led the meeting, they even raised their hands to make comments which was fun. Oh, I almost forgot. We talked about classes and gave advice in camp that day. Did not go very well because we all get contradicting each other, and it was very unorganized, but I gave my opinion about being a music major. I didn't sugar coat it, BS it, I told them it was hard. They have to really want this in order to accomplish it. If you don't really want this, it won't be worth it. I know many friends who did it because they "like" music. That's not what this major is about. It is about working your butt off to get what you desire the most. This takes so much time and effort that if you are dreaming about this, you don't want this to be your career or your life, then it won't be worth it to you. I just thought they should know that going in. I wish someone had told me that. I mentioned several times that this was all my personal opinion, but the non-music majors thought I was too harsh and scared them and the music majors thought I did a good job. In the end I made up for it. I told them I had no intention of changing their minds about their major, scaring them away, or making them feel being a music major is terrible. I just want them to know what comes with that. I said yes, it's hard work, but the moment you get up on that stage (this is all I can remember) for your junior recital in your, not gonna lie, gorgeous dress and hear a room full of people scream at the top of their lungs for 5 minutes at you, cheering and supporting you. People in Bel Canto, your family, your friends, and see the love and support you have behind you all along in one room together that you didn't even realize you had, it makes every tear, every stress, every wrong note, everything else disappear and all worth it. The music majors all clapped, so did the choir. That was fun! Anyway, in the meeting they kind of gave me a hard time about that, which made me upset. Then I talked to Arie about it afterward and ended up telling her a little bit about my summer and what I went through with my other officers and she ended up crying with me and telling me I was a good person, I do a good job. It was a very nice moment for us, which I needed, but it was a good day overall. So that was Monday. Tuesday is coming later because I'm tired of writing for now. :)

TRIPPY!

My roommate just got MARRIED! It's so crazy and she just came back from her honeymoon, which is so awesome! I'm so happy for them and I can't even express it! It's ridiculous how happy I am about this! She is my first friend to get married though! I know Melissa's sister got married and I went to her wedding, but she was more my friend's sister and wasn't as big of a deal for me. My cousin got married, but it's different with family. I was IN this wedding and I LIVED with her before and she's such a good friend of mine I am just overflowing with happiness.

Secondly, my friend Alysha from high school is PREGNANT! We aren't very close anymore so I had to find out about her getting married from Facebook, but it trips me out to see her with a belly and a baby on the way!!! I'm so happy for her, yes it's crazy because she is younger than me, but she is happy and I'm happy if she is! It is such a blessing to bring a baby into the world. I couldn't believe it when you got married and now I can't believe she is pregnant! Now I have all these images of my cousin Michelle getting pregnant, my cousin Jana getting pregnant, and my ROOMMATE Jasmine getting pregnant! AHHH!!!!! I can't even express the excitement and the shocked feeling that is circling through my body right now. Friends getting married is a big step for me during this time in my life, but it's an exciting time that I am gladly relishing in. I know there are other people I can't think of right now that are also married, like my friend Sarah who lived on my floor my freshman year and my RA from my freshman year, but I wasn't at those weddings so that is more surreal. I'm not close to either one of them really either so it doesn't bring the same feelings for me as my roommate or a high school friend. Though Sarah and I still talk (she just commented on my status about my incredible boyfriend surprising me with flowers at work today), and I miss her but I haven't seen her in years. I wish we could though! By the way, the thing about my boyfriend was so sweet! I could not stop smiling, I was so thrilled! All my co-workers happened to be girls and "Awwed" forever, but it was so sweet and wonderful of him to do. They kept asking what they were for and he just said "Because I love her!" Doesn't that just break your heart?!?!?! (In a good way!) Ah, that boy- sorry, man- really knows how to pull at my heartstings and make me fall for him all over again! Anyway, I look forward to more happy days to come and lives to be conceived and born!!!! Who's next?!?!?!

Write It, Love It, Sing It!

I want this! I want this! I want this!!!

The more I watch country music videos, the more anxious it makes me. Have you ever watched someone perform and just though to yourself, wow, they are INCREDIBLE!?! I literally think that as I watch my idols strut across the stage. Shania Twain, Martina McBride, Gretchen Wilson, Carrie Underwood, Reba McEntire, and all the many talented vocalists out there. They all have their own style, pizazz, elegance, and flare that they bring to the stage through their heart-pumping, butt-busting music! As a jump around my room to songs like Party for Two, Findin' a Good Man, Redneck Woman, Last Name, and My Give a Damn's Busted, I think about how fun it would be to be the person on the other end. I want to be able to sing my own songs and have girls, just like me, dance around their rooms to something I wrote. I want to be able to write my own songs and sing them. I only have one song that I have ever written and I don't even know how good it is. Writing poetry, papers, and journal entries has always been something I was good at, but a song.... never my thing. Now if only I had a daddy like Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus) to do it for me! I know, however, this is something I have to do for myself. So, songwriting, country singing, album getting woman, here I come!!!

The Battle

As I sit here contemplating what my life is going to look like over the course of this next year, I wonder what I will do in the many situations that will be placed across my path. Will I do the right thing? Will I know what the right thing is? Will I struggle in my attempt to maintain my personal and professional relationships? I worry about myself and my job. I worry that I do not have as strong of a grasp on this situation as I had originally thought. The pressure, though great, is not exceedingly overwhelming, but I fear that the worst as yet to arise. I wholeheartedly believe in the democracy in which we are currently involved, however, I am questioning the trust that I thought was once so strong. I feel the strings of trust and dedication are withering away like scraps of paper in a roaring fire. I want so badly for this all to be set right. A decision must be made either way, and I believe that the only way to maintain the relationships that I have spent the past 3 years developing, is to embrace the truth despite the feelings of betrayal and set forth into this new idea. Though I believe that maintaining this trust with those whose opinions and suggestions matter, the includer in me worries that this will push the others away. This is not my intention at all. As a leader I must do what is best for the ones with whom I lead, and I feel this is a part of my job. You must take the good and the bad with a grain of salt, so here goes my adventure into the world of politics; oh how I never saw you coming.

Strange to say the least

Dream time. So just woke up from one of my stranger dreams and I need to write it down so I don't forget. I always feel that when I literally write it down, I do not write as quickly as I type and I seem to leave essential details out and since it is on paper I find it more difficult to backtrack. Anyway, I had a dream that my friend Ashley got married. Now normally this would not be seen as an odd dream, but the difference is, this is not a friend that I ever talk to. Ashley O. was my good friend in high school, but freshman year of college we had a major falling out. It was rough for awhile, but I have since recovered. We also attempted to make up, but nothing ever came from that except for the acceptance that we are comfortable with how our relationship is, though neither of us has ever said that. We message each other on Facebook just to say hi maybe once every six months or so, but aside from that, we don't ever talk. Anyway, it starts out with me arriving with my friend. Sadly enough, I cannot remember who I was there with. The first person I see is Nicole. This is also a girl from my high school, we used to be best friends my freshman/sophomore year, but then she discovered much cooler people to befriend and ditched me. Anyway, her and Ashley are not even friends (nor have they ever been) and neither are her and I so it was strange to see her there. I do, however, still have a picture in my room of the two of us so maybe that's why. In my dream, though, I was not bothered by her presence, I did not find it odd, it was completely natural and I approached her as if I were looking for her. Turns out she was one of the ushers for the wedding. She was dressed in a prom type dress, as were many of guests, at least the young people, and shocked by all this I followed them. After I entered this giant, beautiful church (also strange because Ashley is Jewish) that had stairs that went up to the stage, a large podium off to the right vaulted ceilings, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and all these other gorgeous details I do not think I have seen before. Honestly, without all the glam, it kind of reminded me of the church attached to my elementary school. It was bigger than that, but during the service we could here clapping from another room, and I assumed it was from the conference room across the hall. This made sense because though we did not go to the same elementary school, Ashley and myself, being a Christian school and all, but we had talked about how funny it was that we were so close to each other our whole lives but never met until high school. Anyway, I walk in and now I'm in an equally gorgeous dress and I'm walking to my seat in the back. We did not enter because they were taking people in the church in some sort of order and so we were trying to wait our turn. Then the choir starts singing, and we realized we needed to go in and Stefani had just run by to go tell Ashley they were ready for her. So then, we picked two seats on the end, on the right side, in the second to last row. Behind us, was Ashley's dad. He could not figure out the camera and was talking about it out loud as the choir sang, and whoever I was with (this was a girl by the way, one of my friends whose face I cannot picture now, but I guess it wasn't important) knew a lot about them so she helped him. So I move to the back because that way I could take better pictures. The choir had stopped singing and moved to the ends of the stage and now all these other people were on the stairs in some sort of formation and I had not even realized that Ashley had already made her entranced, I missed it! For some reason I was not that upset about it, very shocking for me, and Ashley's dad, not being able to work his camera, asks me to remind him who everyone is. This was the weird part, the people on stage. So I use my camera to zoom in on people's faces to make it more clear for him to see. I tell him the whole first row was the year before us in high school or more. There were our freshman that Ashley, Ashleigh, and I claimed our senior year, except they looked exactly the way they had when we met them. This girl I was in jazz choir with for a little while before she dropped, can't remember her name but she was blonde, and other people I recognized from our Chamber Choir in high school and other places around campus. Then I looked around and noticed that the bridesmaids consisted of Shiloah, the accompanist for my college choir that Ashley does not even know, Michaela and Kelsey were there as well. Lisa was there also which was very shocking because all those people are from my college and she does not know them. Then I Can't remember if Stefani was on stage, but I know she was there. Then I spotted Ashley. She looked SO incredibly beautiful her hair was blonde on top with her brown roots coming through, but in an intentional manner, the bottom underneath was her natural brown and the rest highlighted dirty blonde made her hair shine! She had this diamond necklace that started in a circle shape like a typical necklace then came in like a "V" to a point. It went well with her V neck dress that had lace sleeves in some sort of design in a creamy type white and it came over forming into the dress that had buttons attached to the dress with the lace, that came down the middle then spread out in the bottom forming the trail. It was beautiful. It is much better in my head though. The bridesmaid dresses were somewhat similar, but nothing in comparison to how beautiful her dress was. They had on knee length dresses that were a dark violet color (had a blue under tone to it) and they had shawls over them that were lace like her dress. It was a different lace of course, there was not white, but more a cream/tan type color. There's did not shine either, hers sparkled, I think because she always had that sparkling personality. So the shawl's sleeves came to their wrists and it went almost all the way down to the bottom of their dresses, but you could see the dress through them. They had a bouquet of white flowers, but not a daisy just something like that with purple roses that matched their dresses in the middle mixed in with the white. So pretty! Anyway, her little sister was her maid of honor. None of Ashley's friends that I knew were there because I do not know them. Anyway, Ashley and all those people were up there singing something. Then they step down and Jonte, another person from my college, gets up and starts singing. He walks over to the keyboard and plays something fabulous and sings. I remember being jealous that all my friends were in her wedding, but that passed as I thought it. I noticed to the left of me way in the front a dog was there, a giant dog. Super cute, but he kept climbing over people in an awkward manner, that was when I woke up. Weird right? I feel like I was thinking about weddings because I talked to my soon to be married friend Jasmine before bed, and I was thinking about having married friends, but it does not add up to why it was Ashley in my dream and not someone else, someone I talk to more or spend time with.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

In one week and two days I will perform my junior recital. The chaos and stress that is bring to my life is not something I am thrilled about. I am excited to perform, I'm excited so many people are coming, and I am excited that I finally get to do something just for me that shows how far my voice and talent has come in the last 3 years here at APU. I'm so nervous though. I want everything to go so well. I finally picked out my dress, my mom is picking it up tomorrow. It is gorgeous and I want it to look beautiful so I have spent three weeks eating right and exercising. I feel I am doing really well and am losing weight, but better than that, I feel healthy. I printed my poster up yesterday and will be putting them up today. Everything is basically prepared. I need to make sure I have my songs down and the words and meaning all align. I hope everyone enjoys it. Things have been so crazy lately with school and work. Teachers seem to think we have this endless amount of time to devote to their specific class. I made a page and a half list of all the things I need to accomplish. It sounds doable, but on the down side there is so much that goes into each of those things that I'm very nervous about it. Tonight I have work at Jamba Juice, then tomorrow morning as well. Then Chris will come get me, I will go home and get my dress and shoes and take a load of my stuff home. I will spend some time with Chris for a change which will be nice and then I have to be back at school by 1230 on Sunday for the two shows I have that day. It is such a busy weekend that I am NOT looking forward too. I honestly don't want to go to Bel Canto on Sunday because I know I really need to work on my homework and papers and recital pieces. Anyway, thinking about all this is stressing me out. I am now going to spend the remainder of class looking over my French pieces. Wish me luck!

All is Well

It has been so nice getting to spend some quality time with my best friend. I've missed her so much and we spent all day yesterday together just being us. She brings out a different side of me and I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful friend like her. There are so many good times between us and so many memories. I really think that part of who we are and who we once were are still apart of each of us in the memories and times we have shared together. 6 years is a long time to spend as the best of friends and it's funny to see how much we have grown, but better yet, how much we remain the same, especially when we are together. We made a bunch of fun videos on our Macs last night, something we haven't done for a couple years. We laughed so hard and that was really good. I'm happy I stayed the night, we had a blast. I love that she is so happy, I feel she is happier here at JC's then she was the past few years at home with Tony. She loves her dad, but it got to the point that she couldn't live with him and I feel that has really let her come into her own and be herself. It's like she was finally free, free to be her, free to do what she wanted and needed to do, and to grow into the incredible women sitting next to me aimlessly staring at her computer. I'm so lucky. JC is great too. I think he is so right for her and they bring the best elements out in one another. They fit together so well, I love them, individually, but even more together as a loving, content, and happy-go-lucky couple. They make me smile. It's funny, I am writing this as I talk to both of them. I love how he makes her laugh and how easy-going his personality and humor is. They just go hand-in-hand so well and I love that. It's right, this is right, they are right, we are right, ALL is right.

Don't Give Up on the Lost, the Meek, the Small

I came to you tonight in search of the missing link. I wanted to finally hit that mark, score the winning goal, and meet my maker. I wanted to finally reaching the point of no return where my constant thirst would be met and once and for all, satisfied. I, however, revealed more truths about myself that my self-conscious has quite possibly been mulling over for sometime, but has refrained from sharing with my conscious. I was completely blown away at every word that spilled out of my mouth, yet as you already know, not surprised. It is not surprising that as a reenterd my apartment I sub-consciously did everything I told you I would do. The difference was, after it happened, I noticed I had done just that, nothing. As I went to close my computer I noticed the song title on my iTunes: "God Don't Give Up On Us." It hasn't hit me as you probably assumed by my intro that it would, but more likely grazed my cheek like a feather in the wind, evident yet transparent. One side of me knows what these means, is intended to give me hope, the other end can't make the connection with the rest of my brain, at least the part that controls anything coming remotely close to life and living. It is something I am working on and as the song has so kindly pointed out, so is God. I walked home, not thinking about much of anything, but at the same time everything, and the only thing that came to mind and I inevitably asked You or myself outloud, though which one I am not quite sure, was "Who am I?" I cannot answer that question for you so don't expect to discover the answer sometime in the near future, it will come to me when I let it, when I let Him, until then I am drifting along mindlessly, numbly, and sadly incoherent. Do I want to come out? Yes, I believe I do. I want to understand again, feel again, know again, but I know that today is not that day. Tomorrow very well may not be that day either. I do, however, have high hopes for Friday. It is probably one of those rare moments you hear about in books and fairy tales where one person is looking forward to being broken. I have learned how much my emotions so effect me and ultimately mean to me. They make me who I am, and I love that, if only I could get it back then I would be happy, or at least knew what it felt like to be happy. Thank you for my needed talk, thank you for sharing, caring, loving, praying, understanding, listening, laughing, and being the gift and grace I needed at that moment. I went to you looking for nothing and something all at once as we have noticed has recently become my theme, but I received so much more. You gave me back a piece of me, and I thank God for you and for that. I'm smiling, in my case, that's a step. Though I feel that loving tear in the back of my eye that will (not anytime soon i.e. tonight) come to surface, know that the warm thought is there and that is progress my friend. I hope I can give you all that you have so unselfishly bestowed to me this evening. I needed that and I did not even know it. You know how did though? Thank Him for me will you? I will too, the next time we talk. I did, however, just sit here saying, "thank you, thank you," over and over again in my head feeling nothing but air and hearing only the grumbling of bipolar stomach. I hope you know I mean it from my heart, on the positive side, I know it knows.

I love you, both of you, all of you.

Sincerely,

Your soon/striving to be broken friend

MIND-boggling

I cannot even seem to process this new information. How do you transfer something from possibilities to reality? I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know what to with this. I consistently look at that article trying to make it real, come to life for me so I can process, grieve, and move on. I haven't even cried over it, that is the strangest feeling for me. I feel like I am lying under this giant slab of metal that with one flip of the switch will come down and crush me. For now, it is only there to scare me. I refuse to accept that in actually, it can crush and may very well do just that. Maybe I am denying the facts to spare myself, my feelings, my well-being. Part of me is angry. Angry with myself for not being more upset, angry for being upset, not being able to get upset, and just angry that this is happening. I wish I could say positive things, that is something comforting that goes hand-in-hand with this tragedy, but if they don't believe, how can I say even that? I don't think even we realize how comforting it is to be a Christian, when things get hard we have God, we have this constant love of a Father no matter what. Not everyone has that and we take for granted our obvious advantage and blessing. This is just too unreal to fathom right now.

MIND-numbing

Why can't I tell you? Trust, what is trust? Is it the unconditional faith in your fellow human being? If so, where is the line drawn. When do you decide to trust in yourself and your gut versus the word of someone you trust. I want to know why I found that, what does it mean, does it have meaning at all? I believe in you, I believe in your beliefs, and I do trust in your constant strive for honesty, but I cannot seem to shake the gnawing feeling that something is off. If only I could figure it out. I know I say that when we are together everything is right, but unlike you, I lie. I also feel strange at school. Striving for the attention of others, to make myself feel good, but never acting, knowing I never could. I feel it is the same for you as it is for me, but why does my gut tell me something is just not right. Who to talk to about these things? We have already determined we cannot maturely discuss this amongst ourselves, then who could I confide in? For the first time, I have found something I can address to no one. It is the strangest feeling, I should learn to deal with things on my own without needing to discuss it with someone else, but that is not have I function. It is not emotionally satisfying for me, and more difficult than I had anticipated. Then again, how could I even begin to imagine I would be in this predicament. If the two of you could only decide what you want, decide what is true, and be honest with me I can then take the next step in deciphering this ridiculously difficult puzzle that I can only assume was designed for only an expert to conquer. Ah, here comes the fog. Dark, gray, heavy, and consistent. At least there is still one thing I can count on, the headaches.

MIND-less

There is so much currently happening in my life that is sending my mind into a constant tailspin. I feel like my head it never moving, I stare aimlessly at my school work, music, and schedules. I watch Gilmore Girls in order to escape the constant nagging of my overflowing file cabinet of a brain. Music hasn't even been a sufficient enough escape recently due to the fact that every note reminds me of something I have to do, something I'm thinking of doing, something I want to do, and people I need to deal with. This is not my ideal desire for my daily life. I hate being engrossed in my thoughts by a constant slow and dreary movement of fog that I can visualize passing my gaze every once in awhile. I wish I could write something more substantial, something that actually made sense to the average person, or even myself! I do not understand what it happening. Being with you makes me forget the confusion, yet brings it all come crashing to a halt then jump starting over and over again. It's like a never ending game of Simon says, except you aren't Simon and this is not fun. Does this even make sense? No. Oh to be able to express myself in a clear cut fashion, but the outcome would only bring about pain and suffering as the dagger that pierces Juliet's heart upon eying lifeless her beloved lying next to her. Sleep is a the agonizing turning and returning over glancing at a bright red light that unfortunately only brings the depressing news of three minutes passing since the last time I glanced it's way. If only I could make one, just one, person understand my festering predicament, then all would inevitably set it's self right and I wouldn't have to continue to mundanely talk to my reflection day-after-day.

Sectionals = Sucktionals

Let me break this down for you, I officially cannot stand the fact that no one respects someone who has lost their voice, especially when they are standing in front of a choir coughing like crazy whispering at the top of their lungs, pushing their voice to breaking points, then watching their section stare at them in pure distaste and talk crazy amongst themselves. Some of whom are supposedly friends of mine, can I just personally say to that, bull shit. I worked my ass off up there trying to do the best I could without a voice. Then Rebecca, bless her heart, comes in with the alto section and she does this incredible job. Her and her assistant section leader both commented afterward that you could feel the tension and the fact that the sopranos did not want to be there and they apologized profusely that I had to deal with that. I need them to listen, respect me, and understand that I am trying really hard to communicate with them, but I can't. Poor Jen couldn't get the parts to match up the way she wanted and I know felt very uncomfortable with the idea of leading, but tried her best for me. I am emotionally exhausted, after everyone left last night I just cried at how bad it was. I had some great people comforting me, but the fact that those girls sat in the back and as Grace later confirmed talked a ton of shit just made me really mad. Poor Brian, I ran into him after sectionals and just walked up to him and started balling. He hugged while Jen and Grace explained why I was so upset. Once I had pulled away and regained my composure I apologized for my hysterics and he said he understood and had nothing to be sorry for. He said no one wants to be in sectionals so we get the most crap during sectionals because no one respects us. I can't wait for the next time when I have my voice. This is definitely not going to happen twice. I tried to smile and have fun, and be nice even though I was so frustrated. The whole time all I wanted to do was cry. I tried to keep my coughing to a minimum, and it took everything in me not to cry. I have a second sectional to attend today, not even attend, but lead. Luckily, this won't be my first sectional with them and this choir already respects and loves me. It still won't be easy, but them I can deal with. It's this other choir that I just hate.

Rapping for the Roomie

Chillin with my roommate Jasmine
Talking about all these crazy men
Rocking to them awesome songs
Haven't done this is so dang long
Texting, Typing, Talking, sweet
All while keeping that steady beat
Texting with my crazy bro
Man, you know he such a hoe
Wasting the day away
Facebook stalkin' all the way
Dance parites galore
Yeah, you know we want some more
Laughing, teasing, singin
Waiting for Adam to come a ringin'
We just too cool for all you nerds
Cause chillin with us is just too fun, word.

Delightful Dramatic Delinquents

Hello lonely friend,

I am sure you are wondering where I have been. I am aware my social skills are lacking in the area of maintaining important friendships. To fully understand my absence, you must know what has been occuring my strikingly busy schedule. To begin, let's start at the beginning of the week, Saturday in this particular case. Saturday was the Disneyland concert with Bel Canto. The chaotic planning and the extravagant amount of work that goes into making this particular production go even slightly smoothly is unbelievably ridiculous. After spending the majority of my morning on the telephone having an extensively profound conversation with Laura's answering machine, needless to say, I was not in the best of moods. After 35 unresponsive and pointless phone calls, 105 rings, and 35 "This is Laura's," we finally had all of the girls and made our way to Disneyland 45 minutes behind schedule. Once we had arrived in Disneyland and began booking it to The Toontown Bridge, I ran into a few of my girls, who drove to Disneyland, just wandering around the park. I don't care if the whole choir is late and you are in "The Happiest Place on Earth theme park," if I told you to be at the bridge at 10:30am, sit your ass down on a bench and wait for us so I don't have to wander around the park with a cellphone permanently attached to my ear dragging your delinquent butts off rides. Trust me, if Dr. Hughes did not insist everyone be present, I would not have to behave as if I were your parental unit rather than your leader who just finds your lack of responsibility annoying. In the mean time, I am receiving phone calls left and right from Dr. Hughes inquiring about the girls who have yet to arrive. After having found all the girls, the consistent one person who couldn't show up on time if you turned the clocks ahead for her, and after leaving a few sweet, yet completely fake, messages on the one girl who manages to always have an excuse and is never present for anything, rightly so I was now not in a happy-go-lucky, I-love-Disneyland kind of mood. After perfoming, however, I had managed to cheer up a bit and was ready to get as far way from everyone as possible. I spent a somewhat lovely day with my friends, aside from the angry still dwelling inside, it was fun. I am now, however, extremely disappointed in my leader's lack of responsibility, class, and respect for me and the rest of the officers. It is something I am currently learning to deal with in a mature manner as a, I'd like to think so, respected leader. Though I would rather have decked her the second she even thought of back talking me. She has another thing coming if she thinks I'm taking this crap sitting down. Wrong. Anyway... I then went home and spent sometime with Arie, who had come over for dinner, and my roommates. The evening turned out to be much better than the rest of the fun filled, exhausting day I had previously experienced.

Sunday- Luckily, we did not have to wake up too early for this concert and we only performing one show. However, the day was still obnoxiously long. We had a call time of 12:45pm with an intent on leaving at 1pm. Did that happen you ask? Why no Blog, it did not! Shockingly one of my officers was the one late this time, thank God it was only by 5 minutes because any later and I probably would have snapped. Most people say Thank God it's Friday, my new found theme, however, is Thank God for Patience, otherwise I would have killed someone by now. What I don't understand is if you knew what time the concert was at, what time we would be singing, and when we would be being fed, why would you not make sure you had filled up before getting on the bus? Well apparently, this concept is way too foreign for freshman because once we had arrived they had all started to complain about how hungry they were. After having 4 girls come ask me if I had any food, I decided to go to the store and get them some food. Stephanie came with me, seeing as she has the car, but once we came back Dr. Hughes didn't let them eat until 10 minutes before going on stage. It completely defeated the purpose of getting food, but whatever. I loved that everyone made a production of thanking Stephanie on Sunday for feeding them and then obnoxiously reiterating the point of how wonderfully observant and caring she is for seeing the girls' need for sustenance and going out to buy them food. I'm trying to be the bigger person however; so, how am I doing? Good? Thanks. The concert did go well, however, and I did thoroughly enjoy it. The dinner wasn't too bad, but I do have to say my favorite part of the day was going home and finally going to bed. I was not too thrilled with the fight I inevitably got into with Chris over the fact that he did not come see me at all that weekend, but again, inevitably we got over it all within the same hour. Good times!

It is shocking how much can happen in a two day period, and unimaginable what could possibly come next after my eventful estrogen filled weekend of choir fun!?! Yet, considering my class with Sage (surprising I know!!!) is almost over, I should probably call it quits for now. I will attempt, not promise but will try, to continue my obvious letter full of love.

Sporaticly Interesting Good Times

Ahh, welcome to second semester of my junior year of college. Also, the first month of the year of 2010. It has been quite eventful thus far. Many ups, not so many downs, and intriguing to say the least. I have thoroughly enjoyed being back and spending time with friends and roommates (not to say they are friends). I am currently/shocking sitting in class with Professor Sage. I know, how unusual for me to be sitting in Sage's class writing in my journal, on the computer, and not giving the class my full attention. It is nice to have someone to talk to even though stupid Jonathan went to Germany, I now have Jason to talk to. Poking fun at Sage is always a plus. I am now in Late Romantic, so no I didn't have to retake Baroque and I did pass despite my lack of attention skills in this class. I spent most of my weekend with Chris which is always nice. He showed up at my work on Saturday afternoon with a dozen roses. He is so sweet! I love when he does incredibly sweet things like that. We then drove home, correction, I drove home! I love when he lets me drive, it is so rare ever since his mom told him she doesn't want to driving his car. We hung out at home and watched Friends which we love to do. We are almost done with the series, we have two more discs then we will move onto Scrubs. Chris is the most excited about that. We will see if I like it, I have never watched it. He endured Gilmore Girls (which he liked) for me, so I can do this for him. After spending the night there, I had to wake up obnoxiously early to go to work with him. I didn't like the early hour, but did enjoy eating Carls and getting to see his work. I did homework for about an hour (if that) then when he said he wished he had times to do some of the other work they have, I offered to help. Being Sunday, there was only one other person there in his section and his lead. His boss wasn't even there. Most of the other sections were there because it was mandatory for them, but it wasn't a full day for all the employees to be there. It was so cool, I felt so important and on the inside. I got to see David, since he works with Chris, so that was cool. Everyone there knew who I was which was kinda weird but so great! I love that he talks about me and people know who I am! So I helped with stock and putting things in bags, labeling, and counting. It was really fun. I wish I had gotten paid, but I did to help Baby so that is enough for me. Seriously, they start at $12 an hour there and at my job that I have been at for a year and a half I only make $8.50. We left at about 12pm and went home and I worked on homework. We took about a two hour nap because we were so tired, then just spent our time together, I miss him when we are apart. It keeps getting harder and harder I feel like, at the same time easy when we are busy, but nights are the worst. Plus, not being able to talk to him as often just kills me. Ten minutes a day doesn't really do it for me. Hopefully I get to see him this weekend, even though I have concerts both Saturday and Sunday, but he might come to Disneyland with us, but only if I can get him a ticket. If not, maybe I can have him come down Sunday which seems silly because we are leaving APU at 1, concert at 4, dinner there at 6, then back by 7:30/8 so there is no time to spend with him. The music just got really loud and dramatic. Scary. Oh one minutes, thank goodness. I am having lunch with one of my girls today, Allison, I'm really excited. I love getting to eat with them. Plus, it has finally stopped raining, so I finally get to eat at the Walk again. I can't believe I went 2 years without every eating there. Stupid. Off to German, tata.

Overview

So the beginning of a new semester has begun! It is exciting to be back at school with friends and peers. I'm looking forward to the new semester of meeting people and spending more time with my girls. I intend to have lunch with each of them one on one. I'm really happy that I stayed another year in Bel Canto because having their friendship means the world to me. So far all of my classes have gone exceptionally well for the first day. Psychology is going to be interesting I think and I like the teacher. I don't know anyone in my class, but I did talk to a girl name Kat so that was cool. It is nice because Jasmine and I have a class in the same building at the same time MWF and so we walk over together, then walk to chapel and sit together. I'm really happy Jasmine and I are getting to close; same with Joanna, I think her and I are really bonding. After chapel we walk back to east and she goes to work and I head off to my Late Romantic class with Sage again, yay! I know quite a few people in that class of course, being a music class. Jason is my class which is cool we get to hang out. We had dinner together last night which was fun, he's a good friend to have, I like him. Then I head to my German II class. I know a bunch of people in that class as well. I miss the old German teacher but she is on maternity leave, and I like the new guy but he is so energetic, which is fun, but I'm still a bit nervous about the class so we will see. Then I have a break where I eat lunch and I am hoping to use that time to eat with some of my girls. I really want to do that with each of them. Then I have Bel Canto, which I love, and Performance Forum on Mondays. Tuesday is a whole other deal, so I will include that next time. This was just a fun overview of what my semester is looking like and what I'm hoping will come about from it.

New Day for a New Year

Well, it has been a fairly low profile evening for me. I know I wrote earlier, but it was more of a reflection then a journal entry. I spent New Years Eve with Chris reflecting (talking/crying) about all the things we feel we have issues on in our relationship and what we can each do personally to make things better. It was actually helpful and healthy for us. I feel really good about the whole discussion. We then poured ourselves two glasses of water and toasted the New Year as the ball dropped in New York at midnight and then shared our first kiss for the year of 2010 and the beginning of the decade. Both being sick, my mostly fully recovered aside from a stuffy nose and Chris not doing much better at all, we did not do anything to extravagant. We then went off to bed to wake up at 6 am this morning so I could go home and get ready for work. I then went back to bed and woke up at 7am, got dressed, then preceded to call Chris 13 times because my mom didn't wake up to take me to work. Then I went to work and opened with Derek. I was actually really happy to be at work since, being New Years and technically a holiday, I got time and a half. Spent the morning helping Derek detail the store, I know I am going to feel the effects from scrubbing the floor tomorrow. After work Chris picked me up and we went to his house and watched a few episodes of Friends. We then did a little bit of shopping at Walmart and Blockbuster. Then we went to The Habit, somewhere we have never been together I like that we are trying something new, and ate dinner. We then went home and watched Shrek the Halls and attempted to watch Robin Hood: Men in Tights. I was not at all amused, and Chris fell asleep anyway and was snoring. I felt bad he was sick, but being only 8pm I was bored so I called my mom, told Chris I was leaving which being completely incoherent he did not seem to notice/care, and went home. I then hung out in my room and watched Journey to the Center of the Earth which I have both seen and own, but have been feeling like seeing again since I have only seen it once. Not much of an eventful day or evening to say the least, but I certainly enjoyed it. It is so nice to be able to relax and do nothing if I feel like it.

Well then, until next time. Peace.

Years That Come and Go

Here we are in the year 2010. We have made it through another decade, how crazy is that?! There are so many memories and things to be said about the past 10 years of my life. I have gone through puberty, first crushes, first boyfriends, first loves, first kiss, first day in middle school, becoming a teenager, becoming an adult, turning the big 20, voting for the first time, buying my first lottery ticket, paying my first bill, getting my license, first day of high school, graduation from high school and junior high, graduation from elementary school, first day of college, and so many other monumental moments that would take me hours to go through them all. I can't believe another decade has passed, though I have only experienced two in my lifetime. I am going into the year of 2010 a young woman. No longer a teenager, I enter this year with new eyes, though I do not feel any different than I did at 19. I do find great joy in saying, "stupid teenagers" now and again. I am entering my second semester as a junior in college at Azusa Pacific University, planning my junior recital, and first performance, as a music major and as a college student. I am also living on my own (on campus) with three other roommates, but I do pay for my own food and utilities. I cannot believe that I am growing up so fast, I feel like I was 10 years old yesterday. I have a boyfriend whom I love, friends whom I adore, and a family that loves me. I am so fortunate to be alive, have such a wonderful life, and I thank God for everything He has blessed me with. I, unlike many other people, did not set a new year's resolution, I could not even think of something. Sure, there are plenty of things I would like to accomplish, but I feel when you set yourself that kind of goal it is always attempted and thought of in vain. One year I said I would write in my journal every year, that was the last time my journal heard from me. I said I would work out, 50 sit ups later I gave up. I said I would stop biting my nails, hear that? Nope, because my fingernails don't make any noise when I type because they are nonexistent. I started to write this because I was bored and frustrated my boyfriend had fallen asleep leaving me nothing to do, but now I am grateful for the chance to reflect on the past 10 years, look forward to the years to come and my desires for the future, and lay out my life in front of me with the simple touch of my fingers to the keys. Good night, good night, for all is well in the land of all.