Rememeber Me

Why can't you see my pain? Why can't you hear my cries? The desperation in my voice. A lost child roaming the halls of life searching for a Father to hold. Faces of unfamiliarity, places of unimportance, searching for the place that one can only call home. I'm drowning in this sea of people and no one has noticed another one slipping through the cracks. I reach for fingertips that had once intertwined with my own, if only they would reach back in return. A finger, a tip, a chance; that is all I ask. Please take that chance on me. Remember who I am, who I was, and who I hope to once again be. Don't let the roads of life pass us by as we stare ahead, not accepting the love, not acknowledging the pain, and not reaching for the ones in need. I do not want to let another day pass feeling so burdened by this life full of emptiness, lonliness, and regret. I spend nights regretting all the friends I cannot seem to hold on to. I call, my voice hoarse from sorrow and desperation, I just ask that I hear the twinkle of your voice once again through the waves of darkness constantly carrying me away. God, hear my prayer. Hear my voice. Remember me.

Confused Much?

Life is really beginning to take it's toll on my heart. I feel as if I truly am on a roller coaster. I feel as if so many people have said that, but I feel you travel through the ups and downs of happiness or the ups and downs of heartache. I feel as if I am taking drastic leaps from one end of the totem pole to the other. I'm not sure what direction my life is headed at the moment, but I hope to get some sort of insight. Ashleigh, my best friend, is currently not speaking to me. Well, I guess that is an unfair accusation since she isn't "not" speaking to me, but she is not acting like my friend either. Chris, I don't know where I stand with him, where my heart is, or what I want out of this relationship. I hope to God that I am not holding on for the comfort rather than for my heart and his. Other friends, are sporadic. They are spread across the state, the country, and the world and I feel very flustered without my support system. My family has enough going on in their own lives that keeps me concerned and worried enough as is. As for other people, I'm even more confused.

Friends are a blessing, unfortunately this blessing feels occasionally like a burden. They are also the tip of my smile. It is nice to have someone to brighten my dreary day and to make me laugh. Nice to have someone to connect with, someone so similar to me, but at the same time this friendship may cost me more than I am willing to pay. I'm not willing to lose others because of this and I'm not willing to sacrifice someone else's feelings for the temporary gratification of my own. Unfortunately, I currently do not have the answer. I cannot bring myself to walk away, but sometimes that seems like the necessary choice. I want to be true to my heart and allow them to be true to theirs and we probably cannot do that together. We are spark waiting to catch, a fire ready to burn, and a disaster waiting to happen. I do not need those terrible after effects following me for the rest of my days. Tragedy is hard enough as it is, why complicate it more by not stopping the wreck before it happens?

Updated

Wow, it's hard to believe how much has happened since the last time I posted an update. Well, here goes nothing.

I am happy to report that I finally have a job! Starting August 15th, 2011, I was emplyed at Rapattoni. Rapattoni, for most/all of you who do not know, is a real estate listing software company. We develop and manage the software that over 100 MLS listings use. Our software is used by many various real estate associations all over the country and by the National Association of Realtors. It sounds big and amazing, which it is, but not what you expect when you look at it. My department, Help Desk, only has 6 representative, one supervisor, and a manager. Other departments have even less! my job consists of talking to agents who call in daily with questions regarding their MLS systems. I have mastered the art of clearing cache, pop-up blockers, add/revise listings, client portals, CMA packages and more, but have not yet mastered the patience part. It is still difficult trying not to get irritated when the agents call and scream at me for something I generally cannot control. Aside from that, it's not too bad. Everyone already has their "clicks" (yes, corporations are just like high school), but I have a few select people who are nice to me. Even better, my best friend Ashleigh works here too! She works in the department on the other side of the wall, so not too far away since I can hear her (it's a cubicle wall). Also, I'm really enjoying having my own desk! I wanted to get comfortable before decorating, so pictures of that will come soon!

I have also started attending the college group at my church. It feels so good to be involved at my church, aside from helping my mom with donuts every week, again. It is also really nice to be around people my age again, in that college environment, and meeting new people. I do not have very many friends left in Simi Valley so meeting people my age is definitely something this college-withdrawl-facing woman is in desperate need of. Bethany, she is my neighbor, lives with a family from our church while she trains for a mission she is going on to India. She is very sweet and I know her fairly well from community. She goes with me to the college group. The first time, last week, that I went Bethany was late so I had to suck it up and talk to people on my own. Once I got comfortable, I really opened up. I sat next to a girl who just moved her to go to EBC (Eternity Bible College) from Michigan. She was so nice and we exchanged numbers. The other people I met, luckily, remembered me last night when I had to go by myself again. On the girls, Karissa, even invited me to go see Lion King in theaters with her today. I am so excited! Making friends is a wonderful and uplifting feeling. I am also in the process of planning a trip to APU! I just need to work it out with my work schedule and my boss, but I'm hoping to be able to go visit all of my APU friends next month. :) That will be a much needed experience for me. I really do miss school, the environment, the community, the faith, and all of the people.

That's all for the moment. Oh, and I'm going to see Rascal Flatts with Ashleigh for her birthday tomorrow night. So excited!!!! Well, back to work! What? It's Saturday, nobody calls and my co-worker is sleeping. I love this shift! :)

Bel Canto with Love

First of all, I just want to say how thankful I am to have had the incredible opportunity to be apart of this amazing group of women. Bel Canto has been my rock throughout my four years at college. It has shaped me into the woman I am today and I could not be more grateful for the experience of not only being apart of this choir, but for the blessing of being a leader as well. This little note is in each letter. I am writing all of you a note to tell you how thankful I am. This little note is the only thing that is the same in all of you letters and that's because I wanted to be able to explain why I am sending you each an individual letter and still have room to write a personal note to each of you. Being president for three years has been the greatest gift I had ever received. I made many friends and watched so many incredible women grow and blossom before my eyes. This year, however, has been the best year of them all and probably the hardest. Leaving APU has been one of the hardest adjustments for me because it was my home and my whole life for four years. This choir, however, gave me friendship, love, perservance, and a true appreciation for what being sisters in Christ looks like. I wanted to take the time to thank all of you. You have meant the world so me, I could never fully explain it to you but it's true. Thank you for everything you have given me just by your kind words of friendship and encouragement throughout this past year and in the touching letters you put in my scrapbook. I love all of you and I always will. Thank you for making my last year of college so special and so memorable. I am sorry these letters are so late. It is unlike me, but I have had the materials and addresses all summer. It was too hard, however, and too emotional for me to write them though. I am writing them now before you start your new school year. I will be praying for you all, I do everyday because you are my girls, my friends, and my sisters. Live life to the fullest, praise God with everything you have, and when times are the hardest, remember there is always someone waiting to catch you when you fall. Love never fails. God Bless, Christina Elizabeth Spencer

I sent this one a little sheet of paper in all of the letters I sent out to my girls from Bel Canto 2010-2011. I just wanted somewhere to write it down so I would always remember them and how they have impacted my life.

First Steps

I can't start without you can I? I cannot know where I am going or how I am getting there without you? I need to stop planning. I might be doing nothing, going nowhere, sitting at the never-changing stop light, but my mind certainly is not done running. It's running; running away. What is it running from? It's running from you and everything that you represent. You represent new beginnings, a future, a hope, and a chance to take that next step into the unknown and unfamiliar. That scares me. Of course it does. I would ridiculous and not human if I wasn't terrified, but believing in you and your abilities is a totally different story, so why am I scared? I don't want to go. I don't want to let go. We all know I hate change and I'm having the hardest time with this. I'm angry because everyone else is embracing it or at least taking that leap and I can't seem to let myself do it. I'm running from every opportunity, every thought that leads me to a new future, because I can't grasp the thought that college, my life at APU, and my adolescence has really come to an end. I don't know if I am ready for this. I don't know if I am ready for all that you have in store for me. I'm hiding from you, but I can't very well do that can I? You always see me. You are in me, with me, and you know me too well to let me slip away. Lord knows I've tried to escape this. I don't want to start my new life. I don't want everything I have known for so long to come to an end. Was it this hard for me when I went off to college too? I know I cried for months, but somehow this feels bigger than this. It feels different this time. That's because it is different. I'm embarking a totally new journey, a new stage of life, a new me, and a life full of unknown, opportunities, new people, new everything. It's scary. I don't know how everyone else is doing it. I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else. I'm just waiting for someone to tell me it will be ok. I'm waiting for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing. I'm looking for someone to walk it with me, but I'm never going to find that am I? I have to count on you and you alone now. You are the only one who can lead me and pull be through this. I can't walk it alone. I can't seem to walk period, but I'm scared to do it alone even if I could. I need you. I know that, but I'm still hiding. I'm still trying to run. I guess that's my human nature, but I want that part to go away. I'm tired of letting it consume me. I'm tired of waiting, hiding, running, ignoring, and pretending my life isn't the same that it was only a few months ago. Life is still moving forward and I can't just sit in the backseat pouting and pretending that the world is moving around me. I can't just ignore the inevitable. I need to take that first step, but I can't make that step without you or your guidance. I need you to be in everything I do. I need to want you to be in everything I do. I cannot take this journey or begin traveling down a new road without you. Please come with me. Please hold my hand, tell me it will be ok, and show me how to walk all over again. This road is unfamiliar to me, but it certainly is not to you and that needs to be my comfort. You know what is in store for me and what is around the next corner and that needs to be what gets me through and helps me rely on each step I make. I can't honestly write the words "I am ready," but I'm hoping you will help me get there. Show it is ok to move on. Everyone else moves forward and I need to know that I can't go back and even if I did, nothing would be the same. People move on and so should I. The woman who always plans and always knows where she is going, walks with a destination always in mind with the speed of someone in a hurry has had the chance to stop and watch. Now I need to trust myself and you again and step, step into my life and embrace it for everything it is and everything it can never be again. I need to be thankful for what I've had and where I'm going to go from here. My life has shaped me into the person I am going to be and I need to trust my knowledge and my experiences, and most importantly, I need to trust in you. Here we go God, take my hand and let's journey through the life you have for me, together.

Lost

It seems that no one has anything positive to say today. It's truly unfortunate because it is no joke how quickly pessimism and a negative attitude can pass from person to person like wildfire. I had a perfectly fine, yet slightly lazy, day today and I come home to such wonderful cheers of joy.

First of all, I've been feeling pretty bad about myself ever since my grandma and mom made that comment about my weight. I have this nice ability to be able to sleep away most things that get to me, but this one just hasn't gone away. It is actually not helping me sleep either. I want to forget it. I want to know that they are just trying to help, but it was so hurtful and insensitive and I'm not ready to let it go I guess. Yesterday, however, was the first time I actually felt okay about myself again. I went shopping and got some new shirts for "work" (that is, if I can even get a job) and I felt like they looked good. I bought a pedometer so I can keep track of my steps to help me walk more and loose weight. I've been trying to exercise more by walking the dog to the park with my mom, walking up and down the stairs more often, walking around the park, biking, and being more active. I've put on a bit of weight being home all day doing nothing day in and day out, but at least I'm trying. I would like to think that I am doing that for me and I don't appreciate people bringing it up or commenting on the matter. This is my body, my thing, and I'm tired of everyone putting in their two bits. My mom still doesn't think I was eating well while she was gone since I don't eat like a bird. Chris comments on all my eating habits, yet expects me to eat the way he does.

Then I went online, though I shouldn't since I'm not in a good mood and everyone and their mom had a comment about my pictures. They hate the picture, they don't like how they look, what they are wearing, how I took it, the angle, the look on their face, etc. They get mad at me for putting it up, untag themselves, throw a fit, and then when I offer to take it down they say don't worry about it. It just makes no sense. I like taking pictures and I was trying to capture my last tour. I'm sorry they are not as well liked as I would have hoped or weren't what everyone expected them to be. They give me a hard time for not putting them up and then complain once I do. It's just ridiculous. Now I hate that I'M complaining. I got home tonight, excited that my mom was home, and we started in on what I've been doing, how much I've been working, and what I was eating right after hello, but definitely before the "how are you?"

I'm tired. I really am feeling so restless and tired. I don't like feeling helpless, like I have nothing to do. Stupid Jamba Juice won't even let me work for them and I've been there 3 years! I can't seem to even begin to figure out how to start in with my music. No one is coming to my graduation party I feel like, and the only person who spends any time with me is Chris. Ashleigh doesn't have time for me and when she does she makes all these comments that make me feel bad. We took a whole trip together and by the end of it all I wanted to do was cry. I want to spend time with her and not be interrupted, have to step outside because JC feels crowded having me over, or feel like I'm just a pity/burden. I just don't feel wanted right now. I miss people. I miss my roommates and my friends at school. I miss getting to see people. I miss doing something....ANYTHING!

It's miserable being back home. Ashleigh's right, I am depressed and no one seems to get that. I try to talk about it, explain, or try to make myself feel better but nothing helps. It's so hard adjusting. I knew it would be, but I feel like I'm the only one having a hard time. People face problems either finding a job or figuring out where they are going to be, but they don't seem to be having a hard time adjusting to not being in school. APU was my life; my home. I miss everything about it. I miss being on my own. I miss being able to come home and feel home and getting to relax. I don't like never getting to see my mom because she's too busy or feeling like I did in high school, the ignored child when it comes to my dad. This whole post is a huge pity party and it makes me sick to my stomach and how pathetic I am being. I hate doing this. I hate complaining like this. I have a great life. Great family, friends, and I'm safe and healthy. I have people that love me and people I love, but I just feel so lost. I hate that....

Crossroads

I know God has something planned for my life, but I'm just so unsure what that plan is. I am truly enjoying the time I have to spend with my friends and my family. This is a break that I have never had and I am trying to make the most of this time, but I can't help but feel discouraged that I have come to a complete stand still along this road of life. I am trying my best to patient and know that He is in control, but I can't see in either direction and I feel completely helpless. It is so difficult to remain content with my situation. I am really having a hard time no having a job. I keep thinking about how I have loans that will be need to be paid off soon and how am I going to get the money to do that. I am also vehicle-less and I can't seem to get a job without a car. My mom and I are looking, but we don't have enough for a nice car and we can't find one for the price we want to pay. I really want to get my singing going, but I feel I have no direction. I have always been a planner and to not have a plan, or a plan that no longer applies, is severely disheartening for me. I want to make a demo, but I don't have enough original songs. I have one original. I am not good at writing the music part; lyrics are my forte. Also, I don't know how to go about getting background music for them. I could go to a studio and have them do it, but that cost money, which only brings me back to my first dilemma. I need to trust. I need faith. I need to stop being in control. Why are those things difficult? I feel as though I am stuck in the middle of contentment and frustration. Weird....

Friendship

It is funny how the people you least expect to be close to are the ones who impact your life the most. I never would have expected that at the beginning of my junior year that my scary and sarcastic new roommate would turn out to be the person I always turn to with everything. Even my quiet roommate who was a lot like me, but I did not know very well, would be the very person to become one of the best and greatest friends I ever had. Those two women are friendship in my mind. They brought me back when I was at my lowest confidence, emotionally, and relationally. I love them so much I could never express it to them, but I hope they know how grateful I am to them both for being the friends I needed and wanted the most.

My senior year was supposed to a cruise, but instead I had quite the storm-filled year. Though I was looking forward to finishing my last year with in charge of Bel Canto for the 3rd year in a row, I did not think it would really become a huge part of who I was. I fell in love with those girls and I miss them terribly. They each played a large role in my senior year. I learned so much from them and about myself through their kindness, love, and friendship. I couldn't be happier that I decided to stay in Bel Canto (despite a lot of advice to the contrary) for one last year. Stephanie, someone who is my complete opposite personality-wise became a good friend who I deeply care about and have come to respect despite our drastic differences. We have issues, but what friends don't, but without knowing it she taught me how to be a better leader. Tori was the little sister I always wanted. She was the girl I spent three years in choir hoping to meet. I wanted to touch someone's life in the same way Callan had done for me and she allowed me to do that. To be honest, I still be believe she helped me more than I helped her. She made my senior year really special and meaningful. Katherine is a bubble of joy that I have always loved, but have really grown to respect as my good friend. Elizabeth and Joanna were two of the sweetest people that I can't wait to remain friends with for many years to come. Kris was my tell-it-like-it-is girl and I love her for how fierce and straight-forward she is. Becky was the shoulder I desperately needed in the music building. She understood my hardships, but always was the one cheering me on and believing in me when I didn't think I could get through. Sarah and Amira always made me smile and showed me what a close friendship looks like. Emily, the girl who was always there in the shadows never letting me slip away feeling unnoticed or appreciated. She did everything to make sure I knew how much I meant to the group and was one of the greatest friends I could have asked for. Kandace is my black sister! She has so much love, life, and fire in her. She may not always be on time or organized, but she always comes through for her friends and others when they most need it. She helped me stand up and be confident in who I am and why I do the things I do. Lisa is my own personal cheerleader. That girl has touched my life in so many ways I could not even begin to explain. I am grateful for every hug, smile, and laugh she always sent my way. Sam Shipley, my birthday twin, is my other me. She has so much life and love that makes me want to jump up and sing and dance right along with her. We are so similar and have shared so much together, I know I couldn't live without that girl. Alex, so sweet and innocent, I love talking to her just to hear that laugh. She thinks everything is funny, which could make the angriest person laugh. She is so in love with life, God, and others that it is inspiring. (I know I didn't get to all of them, it's ok I'm writing them each their own letter anyway, but I love them all and had 15 minutes to write so I chose to talk about my friends.) I love them!

As I write this, staring at their pictures and the memories we have shared throughout this wonderful school year, I could go on for ages about each and everyone of them. I'm so grateful for the fact that they will always hold a special place in my heart dedicated specifically to my "love-unfailing" sisters in Bel Canto, but most importantly, in Christ.

You

They don't know you like I do. They have not seen you at your best, your worst, your blackened heart, or your deceiving smirk. You took a life that was pure and untainted and covered it with memories of pain and deception. They could never understand that. You did so much more than break my heart. You took more than my heart with you. Though I managed to retrieve a heart that was never yours to begin with, you left a pain so much more significant than I could ever begin to explain. You cheated, you lied, you hit, and you hated. You confused, you seduced, you prowled, and you conquered. I gave you everything. I let myself be vulnerable and trusting, because that's who I am. You manipulated every smile, every gesture, every word, and every touch. You betrayed me. You pulled me into this never-ending cycle and once the spinning had finally come to a stop; I was left standing in a pool of tears with nothing to show for my experience, but a million questions all beginning with why.

Forgiveness is a tricky concept. One with which we all come to struggle with at some point or another. I like to look for the best in people and see them for who they really are. I give the benefit of the doubt and have never walked away from someone despite the pain or heartache. I'm as loyal as they come, and sadly that has bit me in the ass. Due to this quality, one of my finer ones might I add, I still have to remember; I need to remember. Your capabilities are astounding, your strength more than physical, and your mind a constant state of confusion and riddles. You thrive on the mysteries in life, particularly your own, but I am done playing your games. I played them for many years, stuck in a never-ending cycle of Jumanji, and I'm ready to reach the end and send the monkey man home. I've attempted to walk away from you so many times. My feelings, though they were present at one time, now only resemble that of a newly paved road. I pray for the strength to live a day without thinking about you. I pray that what you put me through does not affect my current relationships. I finally let you in on my secret, I told the truth, and you walked away. It was what I needed from you. I am thankful for those peaceful two years of silence, your ever present desire to be heard and pop back into places where you are so apparently unwanted is getting to be a bit a more than just an annoying habit. I do not know why you take great pride in screwing up everyone else's lives in order to make yours seem a bit more sane, or perhaps more extraordinary, but I'm tired of being the center of your circus parade. I will not be the show. You can no longer toy with me. I have cut the strings. You are not my maker, God is. You do not control me; God is the only man with whom I take any direction from. I will let you go one day. One day, by God's grace, I will forgive you. On this night, on this couch, it may not be that very evening, but someday I will take that step. Right now I still revel in the pain and the trembling turmoil that runs through my memory box engraved with your name. It is a small, but significant box, as most of them generally are.

Know that He will win in the end, for I will not allow you to defeat this once timid lamb again. I will stand before an almighty maker at the end and tremble in His power, but before you I will not allow that same respect. You are not worthy of anything, but a permanent change in octaves. Enjoy your life, because I will certainly enjoy mine as long as you are far from it.

Daddy's Girl

As the tears trickle down my face I remember that same look on your face, the same look on my face, and that fateful day when everything I ever knew came to an end. How I miss your smile, your laugh, your love. I miss everything about you. I miss being your little girl. I wish I had known, really known. I wish I had understood. I was so small and so naive. I remember watching you as we drove away, watching you watch us leave. I remember asking my sobbing mother why daddy was watching us leave. She said he was saying goodbye. I never knew why or what that meant at the time, how could I. It wasn't until many years later that I had realized how significant that moment truly was. It was the last time I would ever see my daddy.

I've been a good girl. I hope I make you proud. There are days I know that I don't, for that I am sorry. I think about you often, and rarely. Some days it is just too hard to think about, others it seems all too factual. I'm sure you have noticed the going-ons in my life. I wish you were here to go through them with me. As I sit here staring at a photo of you encompassing me in your arms, I remember what it meant to be a daughter. What "daddy's girl" truly means. The meaning strikes more hearts than I could probably count. I wish that I could take the pain away from some and explain the value in what they have to others. It makes me sad that I never really got that experience. I am so thankful for mom. She has been my rock through everything. She took care of me. She makes everything ok. I don't know where I would be without her.

I hope you are happy, wherever you are. I hope you watch over me and smile. I hope you laugh with me, and cry with me, and love with me. I take you with me everywhere I go. You will always be the most important man in my life, in my heart, daddy. I love you, and I always will.