Friday, July 22, 2011

First Steps

I can't start without you can I? I cannot know where I am going or how I am getting there without you? I need to stop planning. I might be doing nothing, going nowhere, sitting at the never-changing stop light, but my mind certainly is not done running. It's running; running away. What is it running from? It's running from you and everything that you represent. You represent new beginnings, a future, a hope, and a chance to take that next step into the unknown and unfamiliar. That scares me. Of course it does. I would ridiculous and not human if I wasn't terrified, but believing in you and your abilities is a totally different story, so why am I scared? I don't want to go. I don't want to let go. We all know I hate change and I'm having the hardest time with this. I'm angry because everyone else is embracing it or at least taking that leap and I can't seem to let myself do it. I'm running from every opportunity, every thought that leads me to a new future, because I can't grasp the thought that college, my life at APU, and my adolescence has really come to an end. I don't know if I am ready for this. I don't know if I am ready for all that you have in store for me. I'm hiding from you, but I can't very well do that can I? You always see me. You are in me, with me, and you know me too well to let me slip away. Lord knows I've tried to escape this. I don't want to start my new life. I don't want everything I have known for so long to come to an end. Was it this hard for me when I went off to college too? I know I cried for months, but somehow this feels bigger than this. It feels different this time. That's because it is different. I'm embarking a totally new journey, a new stage of life, a new me, and a life full of unknown, opportunities, new people, new everything. It's scary. I don't know how everyone else is doing it. I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else. I'm just waiting for someone to tell me it will be ok. I'm waiting for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing. I'm looking for someone to walk it with me, but I'm never going to find that am I? I have to count on you and you alone now. You are the only one who can lead me and pull be through this. I can't walk it alone. I can't seem to walk period, but I'm scared to do it alone even if I could. I need you. I know that, but I'm still hiding. I'm still trying to run. I guess that's my human nature, but I want that part to go away. I'm tired of letting it consume me. I'm tired of waiting, hiding, running, ignoring, and pretending my life isn't the same that it was only a few months ago. Life is still moving forward and I can't just sit in the backseat pouting and pretending that the world is moving around me. I can't just ignore the inevitable. I need to take that first step, but I can't make that step without you or your guidance. I need you to be in everything I do. I need to want you to be in everything I do. I cannot take this journey or begin traveling down a new road without you. Please come with me. Please hold my hand, tell me it will be ok, and show me how to walk all over again. This road is unfamiliar to me, but it certainly is not to you and that needs to be my comfort. You know what is in store for me and what is around the next corner and that needs to be what gets me through and helps me rely on each step I make. I can't honestly write the words "I am ready," but I'm hoping you will help me get there. Show it is ok to move on. Everyone else moves forward and I need to know that I can't go back and even if I did, nothing would be the same. People move on and so should I. The woman who always plans and always knows where she is going, walks with a destination always in mind with the speed of someone in a hurry has had the chance to stop and watch. Now I need to trust myself and you again and step, step into my life and embrace it for everything it is and everything it can never be again. I need to be thankful for what I've had and where I'm going to go from here. My life has shaped me into the person I am going to be and I need to trust my knowledge and my experiences, and most importantly, I need to trust in you. Here we go God, take my hand and let's journey through the life you have for me, together.

Saturday, July 16, 2011


It seems that no one has anything positive to say today. It's truly unfortunate because it is no joke how quickly pessimism and a negative attitude can pass from person to person like wildfire. I had a perfectly fine, yet slightly lazy, day today and I come home to such wonderful cheers of joy.

First of all, I've been feeling pretty bad about myself ever since my grandma and mom made that comment about my weight. I have this nice ability to be able to sleep away most things that get to me, but this one just hasn't gone away. It is actually not helping me sleep either. I want to forget it. I want to know that they are just trying to help, but it was so hurtful and insensitive and I'm not ready to let it go I guess. Yesterday, however, was the first time I actually felt okay about myself again. I went shopping and got some new shirts for "work" (that is, if I can even get a job) and I felt like they looked good. I bought a pedometer so I can keep track of my steps to help me walk more and loose weight. I've been trying to exercise more by walking the dog to the park with my mom, walking up and down the stairs more often, walking around the park, biking, and being more active. I've put on a bit of weight being home all day doing nothing day in and day out, but at least I'm trying. I would like to think that I am doing that for me and I don't appreciate people bringing it up or commenting on the matter. This is my body, my thing, and I'm tired of everyone putting in their two bits. My mom still doesn't think I was eating well while she was gone since I don't eat like a bird. Chris comments on all my eating habits, yet expects me to eat the way he does.

Then I went online, though I shouldn't since I'm not in a good mood and everyone and their mom had a comment about my pictures. They hate the picture, they don't like how they look, what they are wearing, how I took it, the angle, the look on their face, etc. They get mad at me for putting it up, untag themselves, throw a fit, and then when I offer to take it down they say don't worry about it. It just makes no sense. I like taking pictures and I was trying to capture my last tour. I'm sorry they are not as well liked as I would have hoped or weren't what everyone expected them to be. They give me a hard time for not putting them up and then complain once I do. It's just ridiculous. Now I hate that I'M complaining. I got home tonight, excited that my mom was home, and we started in on what I've been doing, how much I've been working, and what I was eating right after hello, but definitely before the "how are you?"

I'm tired. I really am feeling so restless and tired. I don't like feeling helpless, like I have nothing to do. Stupid Jamba Juice won't even let me work for them and I've been there 3 years! I can't seem to even begin to figure out how to start in with my music. No one is coming to my graduation party I feel like, and the only person who spends any time with me is Chris. Ashleigh doesn't have time for me and when she does she makes all these comments that make me feel bad. We took a whole trip together and by the end of it all I wanted to do was cry. I want to spend time with her and not be interrupted, have to step outside because JC feels crowded having me over, or feel like I'm just a pity/burden. I just don't feel wanted right now. I miss people. I miss my roommates and my friends at school. I miss getting to see people. I miss doing something....ANYTHING!

It's miserable being back home. Ashleigh's right, I am depressed and no one seems to get that. I try to talk about it, explain, or try to make myself feel better but nothing helps. It's so hard adjusting. I knew it would be, but I feel like I'm the only one having a hard time. People face problems either finding a job or figuring out where they are going to be, but they don't seem to be having a hard time adjusting to not being in school. APU was my life; my home. I miss everything about it. I miss being on my own. I miss being able to come home and feel home and getting to relax. I don't like never getting to see my mom because she's too busy or feeling like I did in high school, the ignored child when it comes to my dad. This whole post is a huge pity party and it makes me sick to my stomach and how pathetic I am being. I hate doing this. I hate complaining like this. I have a great life. Great family, friends, and I'm safe and healthy. I have people that love me and people I love, but I just feel so lost. I hate that....