Don't Give Up on the Lost, the Meek, the Small

I came to you tonight in search of the missing link. I wanted to finally hit that mark, score the winning goal, and meet my maker. I wanted to finally reaching the point of no return where my constant thirst would be met and once and for all, satisfied. I, however, revealed more truths about myself that my self-conscious has quite possibly been mulling over for sometime, but has refrained from sharing with my conscious. I was completely blown away at every word that spilled out of my mouth, yet as you already know, not surprised. It is not surprising that as a reenterd my apartment I sub-consciously did everything I told you I would do. The difference was, after it happened, I noticed I had done just that, nothing. As I went to close my computer I noticed the song title on my iTunes: "God Don't Give Up On Us." It hasn't hit me as you probably assumed by my intro that it would, but more likely grazed my cheek like a feather in the wind, evident yet transparent. One side of me knows what these means, is intended to give me hope, the other end can't make the connection with the rest of my brain, at least the part that controls anything coming remotely close to life and living. It is something I am working on and as the song has so kindly pointed out, so is God. I walked home, not thinking about much of anything, but at the same time everything, and the only thing that came to mind and I inevitably asked You or myself outloud, though which one I am not quite sure, was "Who am I?" I cannot answer that question for you so don't expect to discover the answer sometime in the near future, it will come to me when I let it, when I let Him, until then I am drifting along mindlessly, numbly, and sadly incoherent. Do I want to come out? Yes, I believe I do. I want to understand again, feel again, know again, but I know that today is not that day. Tomorrow very well may not be that day either. I do, however, have high hopes for Friday. It is probably one of those rare moments you hear about in books and fairy tales where one person is looking forward to being broken. I have learned how much my emotions so effect me and ultimately mean to me. They make me who I am, and I love that, if only I could get it back then I would be happy, or at least knew what it felt like to be happy. Thank you for my needed talk, thank you for sharing, caring, loving, praying, understanding, listening, laughing, and being the gift and grace I needed at that moment. I went to you looking for nothing and something all at once as we have noticed has recently become my theme, but I received so much more. You gave me back a piece of me, and I thank God for you and for that. I'm smiling, in my case, that's a step. Though I feel that loving tear in the back of my eye that will (not anytime soon i.e. tonight) come to surface, know that the warm thought is there and that is progress my friend. I hope I can give you all that you have so unselfishly bestowed to me this evening. I needed that and I did not even know it. You know how did though? Thank Him for me will you? I will too, the next time we talk. I did, however, just sit here saying, "thank you, thank you," over and over again in my head feeling nothing but air and hearing only the grumbling of bipolar stomach. I hope you know I mean it from my heart, on the positive side, I know it knows.

I love you, both of you, all of you.

Sincerely,

Your soon/striving to be broken friend