MIND-numbing

Why can't I tell you? Trust, what is trust? Is it the unconditional faith in your fellow human being? If so, where is the line drawn. When do you decide to trust in yourself and your gut versus the word of someone you trust. I want to know why I found that, what does it mean, does it have meaning at all? I believe in you, I believe in your beliefs, and I do trust in your constant strive for honesty, but I cannot seem to shake the gnawing feeling that something is off. If only I could figure it out. I know I say that when we are together everything is right, but unlike you, I lie. I also feel strange at school. Striving for the attention of others, to make myself feel good, but never acting, knowing I never could. I feel it is the same for you as it is for me, but why does my gut tell me something is just not right. Who to talk to about these things? We have already determined we cannot maturely discuss this amongst ourselves, then who could I confide in? For the first time, I have found something I can address to no one. It is the strangest feeling, I should learn to deal with things on my own without needing to discuss it with someone else, but that is not have I function. It is not emotionally satisfying for me, and more difficult than I had anticipated. Then again, how could I even begin to imagine I would be in this predicament. If the two of you could only decide what you want, decide what is true, and be honest with me I can then take the next step in deciphering this ridiculously difficult puzzle that I can only assume was designed for only an expert to conquer. Ah, here comes the fog. Dark, gray, heavy, and consistent. At least there is still one thing I can count on, the headaches.