Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Listening to that lady tell her story of being a child survivor of the Holocaust was incredible! It was so sad to see what really happened from someone who experienced first hand but it was interesting to find out about all the things that occurred as well and how she felt then and now. It is a miracle in itself that she survived but how cool that 5 people made it to America and that they were on the first boat to ever come over here with survivors was very cool I thought. She was such a nice lady too and getting to talk to her afterwards was very cool. She hugged and I felt I could feel all the pain and things she's experienced I just wanted to cry when she hugged me but tell her how happy I was to meet her at the same time. I hate how hate others and treat others it just doesn't make sense to me. To judge people in that fashion based off color or beliefs is ridiculous. I don't think I've ever personally struggled with it but one of my best friends is Jewish and I know she's dealt with it, not as harshly as the Holocaust survivor, but still it hurts. I remember someone saying during one of the fires a couple years ago when ash was flying everywhere them saying oh look it's raining Jews and her being right there. The look on her face just stabbed me even though I didn't say the horrible comment I felt the pain she did in hearing a comment like that. She just held her head up high and looked at them, told them that was really rude and that they should be ashamed for saying something that rude and walked away, then of course there was my best friend Ashleigh who yelled at him, socked him in the arm, and told him he's a jerk but not that word. :) I was mad I yelled at him and told him how stupid I thought he was among other things. Overall I think racism and prejudice against people is a waste of time and energy.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Sexual Molestation

A subject I guess that lies close to my heart. I wouldn't call it a struggle because I don't struggle with the actions of committing it but the outcomes from it I struggle, for lack of a better word, with it. Women and men are human beings created by God. They are loved by Him, cherished by Him, and are His children who he sent His son to die for. God does not want anything horrible to happen to us but he does find away to turn those hard times around to teach us and to help us grow. He makes them into something good. I know that, yet I still struggle with the reality of it when it slaps me in the face from time to time. Talking about it is a great resource for me which I use often and tears are my comfort and relief but sometimes those aren't enough. I turn to God for he hears my cries and he knows my pain. I have yet to find someone I can really talk to about this and I don't feel comfortable speaking with a counselor so my search continues. I'm coming to find that reason my needs and comforts through this rough patch are not being found are due to the fact that I'm turning to Earthly things or people rather than my Father. He alone is the only one who can get me through this and he provides the people to hug me, the people to love me, and the people to tell me everything will be ok, we'll get through this. My mom did it, my grandma did it, now it's my turn. I'm scared, I'm hurt but the anger is almost nothing. I haven't been angry in a long time but the hurt is still there. I can't honestly say I've forgiven but I try. These feelings and thoughts have not occurred in some time but this past week regrettably brought them back and brought them back strong. My common wish and prayer is that it will just go away, just leave me alone but God knows I need to get through this not run from it like I much rather do but He is going to help me to lean on Him and carry me through this.

This is what I needed to talk about. I can't reflect on it more than that and I hope that's ok. I almost didn't do it but this is what God helped me write because otherwise I don't think I could have.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


Alcohol is something I'm not a big fan of. I've never tried alcohol but I've seen it in action on my friends and family so I'm not totally unfamiliar with it.

My mom is one of those people on a hot day she may drink a beer and a glass of wine during dinner occasionally but she doesn't get drunk and she says she remembers being drunk once in college then never again. My real dad had some problems with alcohol so I don't remember seeing him drink but then again I was seven and my step-dad and major problems with it and he's been sober 21 years. I asked once if he would ever try drinking again and he said no and I said why not, he said because he doesn't know what might happen and he's not willing to go back to where he was. I totally respect him for that. I once made the comment that my dad was a recovered alcoholic and he corrected me by saying you never fully recover, there is always a struggle and mine is maintaining sobriety. My aunt and uncle on my dad's side, my dad's brother, sat me down and went through family history with me letting me know things that run in my family since my dad's not around to do it they did and my mom doesn't know. Alcohol is a problem in my family which is why my uncle doesn't drink. My family likes to drink though, maybe not getting drunk but it seems to be in my genes to favor it. My whole Spencer side likes to go to this pizza place, watch the Cowboys game, and drink beer it's just a fun family gathering. It helps that my other uncle works for Budweiser so pizza places give him free beer because he supplies it and he helps them out for free when their machines break. On my mom's side there isn't a problem with alcohol, at least none that I'm aware of. My grandpa however touched it his whole life, 76 years. When he died I decided I, like him, would do the same.

My mom told me by the time I was in college or 21 I would change my mind about alcohol and never trying it but I feel that I won't. I have no interest at all. My mom let me take sips of her wine or beer or whatever when I was younger and everything was disgusting. I honestly don't think that even if I wanted to drink I would because the taste, smell and everything just repulses me. I also am a big law person and have felt really guilty when I jaywalked once so I don't think I would ever drink before I turn 21. I made a promise to my best friend, since she turns 21 before I do, that if I decide to drink that she will be there because she doesn't trust anyone else to take care of me if I drink too much or anything. But I really don't feel like I'm going to drink and definitely not right now, not that I have anything against people who do drink.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Using my Strengths

1) How can these strengths work against you if you don't manage them?

As for empathy I care about people and their feelings but I can't let other people's feelings affect me. It's great to care about people and love them, support them but I don't need to take their troubles and make them my own. Sometimes when people tell me all their problems I feel like they become my problems because I start stressing out because of what's going on with them. I need to make sure I step back and make sure I worry about my feelings occasionally if that makes any sense. Strategic is good for planning and getting things done but sometimes I need to step out of my box and experience life without a calender and let things come as they may. It is always good to make others feel wanted and included but sometimes I don't include myself and worry about others making friends and I forget about myself. I can be shy and stand offish sometimes and I need to make sure I don't forget to include myself as well as others. I love to learn which is great and nothing wrong with it but I need to take a break and have fun sometimes and that applies to being an achiever too, I'm always striving towards something trying to get everything done in one day but I need to learn to take a step back, breath, and just enjoy life. I need to step my busy bee life aside sometimes.

2) How do you plan to build on these strengths during your first semester at APU?

Empathy, I want to get know people, build friendships, and love on people. I don't want to the relationships where you wave in the hall or ask how they are in passing but you actually stop to see how they are. I love to be there for people and help them but I sort of want friends that will do the same for me as well which is what I feeling is homesick about, those people I left at home but I want friends here like that. Me there for them and them for me.
Includer, I want to make sure no one feels left out, that no one hates being here because they don't feel like they have any friends, that would just kill me. I truly want everyone to have a friend here because us as a school, community, and siblings in Christ need to love one another and never leave anyone behind. Bush would be so proud.
Strategic, I want to improve this strength even more because I'm going to need it being a music major. I need to learn to plan my time for school but also to get out of my room and experience college for the people and the fun not just the scholastic qualities it has to offer.
Learner, As wonderful as it is to learn and trust me nothing would thrill me more then sitting in my room with my head in a book learning everything there is to learn about Italy or whatever, I want to learn about people and God. I want to learn all I can about what I can do for them and what God wants me to do. I want to learn everything I can classes wise as well but my goal is to learn everything God wants me to learn and then some.
Achiever, I really want my dad to be proud of me. I know that my mom is so proud about me being here and going to college like I wanted unlike my dad wanted, for me to go to a community college for awhile, instead of living my dream coming here. I want him to see me succeed and know that my being here was the right choice and it's where I'm suppose to be. As a achiever that's my goal. But not only do I want to do well and achieve all my goals and do well in my classes but I want to do well for me, for my benefit. I want to see myself succeed for me most of all as much as I love my parents I need this for me as much, if not more, as I do for them.

Hopefully that made sense if not I apologize but it made sense to me I guess.