Thursday, February 24, 2011


They don't know you like I do. They have not seen you at your best, your worst, your blackened heart, or your deceiving smirk. You took a life that was pure and untainted and covered it with memories of pain and deception. They could never understand that. You did so much more than break my heart. You took more than my heart with you. Though I managed to retrieve a heart that was never yours to begin with, you left a pain so much more significant than I could ever begin to explain. You cheated, you lied, you hit, and you hated. You confused, you seduced, you prowled, and you conquered. I gave you everything. I let myself be vulnerable and trusting, because that's who I am. You manipulated every smile, every gesture, every word, and every touch. You betrayed me. You pulled me into this never-ending cycle and once the spinning had finally come to a stop; I was left standing in a pool of tears with nothing to show for my experience, but a million questions all beginning with why.

Forgiveness is a tricky concept. One with which we all come to struggle with at some point or another. I like to look for the best in people and see them for who they really are. I give the benefit of the doubt and have never walked away from someone despite the pain or heartache. I'm as loyal as they come, and sadly that has bit me in the ass. Due to this quality, one of my finer ones might I add, I still have to remember; I need to remember. Your capabilities are astounding, your strength more than physical, and your mind a constant state of confusion and riddles. You thrive on the mysteries in life, particularly your own, but I am done playing your games. I played them for many years, stuck in a never-ending cycle of Jumanji, and I'm ready to reach the end and send the monkey man home. I've attempted to walk away from you so many times. My feelings, though they were present at one time, now only resemble that of a newly paved road. I pray for the strength to live a day without thinking about you. I pray that what you put me through does not affect my current relationships. I finally let you in on my secret, I told the truth, and you walked away. It was what I needed from you. I am thankful for those peaceful two years of silence, your ever present desire to be heard and pop back into places where you are so apparently unwanted is getting to be a bit a more than just an annoying habit. I do not know why you take great pride in screwing up everyone else's lives in order to make yours seem a bit more sane, or perhaps more extraordinary, but I'm tired of being the center of your circus parade. I will not be the show. You can no longer toy with me. I have cut the strings. You are not my maker, God is. You do not control me; God is the only man with whom I take any direction from. I will let you go one day. One day, by God's grace, I will forgive you. On this night, on this couch, it may not be that very evening, but someday I will take that step. Right now I still revel in the pain and the trembling turmoil that runs through my memory box engraved with your name. It is a small, but significant box, as most of them generally are.

Know that He will win in the end, for I will not allow you to defeat this once timid lamb again. I will stand before an almighty maker at the end and tremble in His power, but before you I will not allow that same respect. You are not worthy of anything, but a permanent change in octaves. Enjoy your life, because I will certainly enjoy mine as long as you are far from it.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Daddy's Girl

As the tears trickle down my face I remember that same look on your face, the same look on my face, and that fateful day when everything I ever knew came to an end. How I miss your smile, your laugh, your love. I miss everything about you. I miss being your little girl. I wish I had known, really known. I wish I had understood. I was so small and so naive. I remember watching you as we drove away, watching you watch us leave. I remember asking my sobbing mother why daddy was watching us leave. She said he was saying goodbye. I never knew why or what that meant at the time, how could I. It wasn't until many years later that I had realized how significant that moment truly was. It was the last time I would ever see my daddy.

I've been a good girl. I hope I make you proud. There are days I know that I don't, for that I am sorry. I think about you often, and rarely. Some days it is just too hard to think about, others it seems all too factual. I'm sure you have noticed the going-ons in my life. I wish you were here to go through them with me. As I sit here staring at a photo of you encompassing me in your arms, I remember what it meant to be a daughter. What "daddy's girl" truly means. The meaning strikes more hearts than I could probably count. I wish that I could take the pain away from some and explain the value in what they have to others. It makes me sad that I never really got that experience. I am so thankful for mom. She has been my rock through everything. She took care of me. She makes everything ok. I don't know where I would be without her.

I hope you are happy, wherever you are. I hope you watch over me and smile. I hope you laugh with me, and cry with me, and love with me. I take you with me everywhere I go. You will always be the most important man in my life, in my heart, daddy. I love you, and I always will.