A New Path

It is amazing how quickly your life can change. One day, you are driving along this road that has twists and turns, but you are prepared for all of them. When all of a sudden, the road has changed and nothing around you looks familiar. You are suddenly lost, just as quickly as you realize this and begin to fear, you spot a familiar sign in the distance and sigh in relief that there is comfort and refuge at the end of this strange and new road.

In so many ways, that has become my life. Everything for me has changed, in more ways than one. A few weeks ago, nothing made sense. I was, however, comfortable. I was confused, but content in my confusion because it was familiar. I could deal with it because I had been dealing with it for 2 years. Now, everything has literally changed. I am no longer in that place, with that man, or doing anything I had done before. Someone who was once so adamantly involved in my life, has since vanished. There are the occasional break down moments where I reach for that phone, dial that all too familiar number, and cry to the man I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. That wasn't God's plan, and if we are completely honest with ourselves (which we should be) it was never mine either. I knew in the end I could not marry him, I hoped, however, that something would happen, something would change that for me. Something did happen. He did what I could have never done. He walked away. It hurts, it honestly breaks my heart. I am struggling with it more than I let anyone know. Even when I talk to people about how hurt I am, I am hiding. Hiding behind my constant smile, even hiding behind my tears. I lost the man I love, I had to let him go. I am dealing with the pain of that now more than ever and will continue to deal with it for a very long time. Last night, in senior chapel, the preacher talked about us going and God showing. We have to go, for God to show us. Faith is believing, not seeing. How true that is. I had to keep praying for weeks, months really, about what I should do about Chris. I knew I needed more, I needed something to change. It wasn't going to change, I always knew that deep down, but I always hoped because I loved him. When it didn't, and I made that call asking him if he was out, I received the response that stabbed at my insides and let me know what I needed to know. I knew he was going to break up with me, I knew if he wasn't, that I needed to. So after many tears and breakdowns, I got in the car and drove to him. I went, I took that leap of faith praying that God would lead me. I ended up on his door step and God gave me a gift. He gave me the gift of honesty. Honesty with myself, with him, and in the whole situation. He gave me words, words to say to explain how I felt and what I really needed out of this that I wasn't getting. He gave me the gift of not having to do the deed myself. I believe God knew I was not strong enough to do it, not in a place where I could do it, and I needed him to do it. I needed Chris to be the strong one for us for one last time and he was. He did it for me and for him. We needed that, he knows that. He has been true to that as well. I know I couldn't go back. Do I want to? Yes, a lot of the time I do. I want that familiarity back, the comfort, having someone who's knows me better than anyone else. I cannot, however, rightfully do that. God showed me that. After driving home, back to school, I made a call. A call to another man. A man who has stood by my side through all of this. Has repeatedly shown me what I need, what is right, and what God has in store for me. He calmed me down, he talked me home, and he embraced me with open arms when I got there. He is the man I now love. It happened so quickly, yes. It took me by surprise, yes. I never expected this to happen, yes. I am terrified on so many different levels, yes. But despite all of the doubts and fears that creep into my mind on a day to day basis, he has been there. He has never left. I don't believe it ever will. He is in my life because God placed him there. We feel God in our relationship, something neither of us has ever felt before, and something we could never go back from because it is so right there seems to be no other way to really be with someone without Him. I did not know what to think when this all happened. In a way, I still don't. I struggle and I am down, but the difference is I have a God who loves me, a man who loves me, and a man that can make me smile and laugh when I need it the most. He doesn't realize how much he is doing for me, but God does. God knows me, He knows me better than ANYONE. He knows where I would be, what would happen if I did not have these people in my life. I needed to see what it looked like to be loved, what that meant for my life. I needed to see what God's love looked like through another person. He has given me a wonderful man that has shown me all that. He shows me something new every day. He shows me what I need and want, every day. I still cannot believe how easy, quickly, and deeply I fell for him. He has been my best friend for years and now I can genuinely say I am dating my best friend. It took me time to make Chris my best friend, but Jason and I already have that foundation. I couldn't imagine being with him or anyone without it. He makes me want to smile, want to be happy, want to be a better person. That's what it is all about, right? I want to talk to God together, I want to pray together. I want to share everything from struggles to praises together. I have NEVER experienced anything like that before. It is the most incredible feeling. The earthly struggles and hard times that get me down, where Jason doesn't know how to help me, is where I miss Chris. That shouldn't matter, but it does. I need that yes, but everything takes time. Chris knew what I needed physically and emotionally. Jason knows me spiritually and that is more valuable than anything else I ever could have received from my two years with the other man. Do I still miss him and struggle with not being together? Yes, I cannot deny that. God keeps showing me something new, however, that I need even more I just never had it so I never knew the true value behind that spiritual connection. I love them, both of them. In very different ways and I cannot rightfully be with someone knowing my heart is still with another. When that day comes and I have let go of my past, I will give him my heart. My whole heart and the most wonderful part about it is that I know he will be standing there, waiting, smiling, and there will be nothing that will keep us apart. God has a plan. I don't know the plan and frankly, I don't want to know. I trust Him, I trust where He is taking me and all I need to do now is just go. God will take care of everything, I know that. I know not being with Chris is right. I know he never could have given me what God needed me to have. I know that Jason is right. I know that he can give me everything God has in store for my life. He will help me stay in line with God, and He knows I need that more than any material things I could have ever gotten somewhere else. I value him so much and I am literally so thankful God has brought him into my life.

God, You are so great. I love You so much. You have stood by my side through the thickest of times. We have gotten through them together before, and we will do it yet again. You have placed some incredibly wonderful people in my life. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am even more thankful I have You Lord. You give me strength, comfort, shelter, refuge, and a life that has meaning. A life I want to praise You with, give to You, and be fruitful in Your loving eyes. I want to be near You. I want to know You better. Help me to seek You first God. Help me to be a beacon of hope and truth for Your Word and Your love. I love You God, I love You.