Friday, July 22, 2011

First Steps

I can't start without you can I? I cannot know where I am going or how I am getting there without you? I need to stop planning. I might be doing nothing, going nowhere, sitting at the never-changing stop light, but my mind certainly is not done running. It's running; running away. What is it running from? It's running from you and everything that you represent. You represent new beginnings, a future, a hope, and a chance to take that next step into the unknown and unfamiliar. That scares me. Of course it does. I would ridiculous and not human if I wasn't terrified, but believing in you and your abilities is a totally different story, so why am I scared? I don't want to go. I don't want to let go. We all know I hate change and I'm having the hardest time with this. I'm angry because everyone else is embracing it or at least taking that leap and I can't seem to let myself do it. I'm running from every opportunity, every thought that leads me to a new future, because I can't grasp the thought that college, my life at APU, and my adolescence has really come to an end. I don't know if I am ready for this. I don't know if I am ready for all that you have in store for me. I'm hiding from you, but I can't very well do that can I? You always see me. You are in me, with me, and you know me too well to let me slip away. Lord knows I've tried to escape this. I don't want to start my new life. I don't want everything I have known for so long to come to an end. Was it this hard for me when I went off to college too? I know I cried for months, but somehow this feels bigger than this. It feels different this time. That's because it is different. I'm embarking a totally new journey, a new stage of life, a new me, and a life full of unknown, opportunities, new people, new everything. It's scary. I don't know how everyone else is doing it. I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else. I'm just waiting for someone to tell me it will be ok. I'm waiting for someone to tell me they are going through the same thing. I'm looking for someone to walk it with me, but I'm never going to find that am I? I have to count on you and you alone now. You are the only one who can lead me and pull be through this. I can't walk it alone. I can't seem to walk period, but I'm scared to do it alone even if I could. I need you. I know that, but I'm still hiding. I'm still trying to run. I guess that's my human nature, but I want that part to go away. I'm tired of letting it consume me. I'm tired of waiting, hiding, running, ignoring, and pretending my life isn't the same that it was only a few months ago. Life is still moving forward and I can't just sit in the backseat pouting and pretending that the world is moving around me. I can't just ignore the inevitable. I need to take that first step, but I can't make that step without you or your guidance. I need you to be in everything I do. I need to want you to be in everything I do. I cannot take this journey or begin traveling down a new road without you. Please come with me. Please hold my hand, tell me it will be ok, and show me how to walk all over again. This road is unfamiliar to me, but it certainly is not to you and that needs to be my comfort. You know what is in store for me and what is around the next corner and that needs to be what gets me through and helps me rely on each step I make. I can't honestly write the words "I am ready," but I'm hoping you will help me get there. Show it is ok to move on. Everyone else moves forward and I need to know that I can't go back and even if I did, nothing would be the same. People move on and so should I. The woman who always plans and always knows where she is going, walks with a destination always in mind with the speed of someone in a hurry has had the chance to stop and watch. Now I need to trust myself and you again and step, step into my life and embrace it for everything it is and everything it can never be again. I need to be thankful for what I've had and where I'm going to go from here. My life has shaped me into the person I am going to be and I need to trust my knowledge and my experiences, and most importantly, I need to trust in you. Here we go God, take my hand and let's journey through the life you have for me, together.

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