Saturday, July 16, 2011


It seems that no one has anything positive to say today. It's truly unfortunate because it is no joke how quickly pessimism and a negative attitude can pass from person to person like wildfire. I had a perfectly fine, yet slightly lazy, day today and I come home to such wonderful cheers of joy.

First of all, I've been feeling pretty bad about myself ever since my grandma and mom made that comment about my weight. I have this nice ability to be able to sleep away most things that get to me, but this one just hasn't gone away. It is actually not helping me sleep either. I want to forget it. I want to know that they are just trying to help, but it was so hurtful and insensitive and I'm not ready to let it go I guess. Yesterday, however, was the first time I actually felt okay about myself again. I went shopping and got some new shirts for "work" (that is, if I can even get a job) and I felt like they looked good. I bought a pedometer so I can keep track of my steps to help me walk more and loose weight. I've been trying to exercise more by walking the dog to the park with my mom, walking up and down the stairs more often, walking around the park, biking, and being more active. I've put on a bit of weight being home all day doing nothing day in and day out, but at least I'm trying. I would like to think that I am doing that for me and I don't appreciate people bringing it up or commenting on the matter. This is my body, my thing, and I'm tired of everyone putting in their two bits. My mom still doesn't think I was eating well while she was gone since I don't eat like a bird. Chris comments on all my eating habits, yet expects me to eat the way he does.

Then I went online, though I shouldn't since I'm not in a good mood and everyone and their mom had a comment about my pictures. They hate the picture, they don't like how they look, what they are wearing, how I took it, the angle, the look on their face, etc. They get mad at me for putting it up, untag themselves, throw a fit, and then when I offer to take it down they say don't worry about it. It just makes no sense. I like taking pictures and I was trying to capture my last tour. I'm sorry they are not as well liked as I would have hoped or weren't what everyone expected them to be. They give me a hard time for not putting them up and then complain once I do. It's just ridiculous. Now I hate that I'M complaining. I got home tonight, excited that my mom was home, and we started in on what I've been doing, how much I've been working, and what I was eating right after hello, but definitely before the "how are you?"

I'm tired. I really am feeling so restless and tired. I don't like feeling helpless, like I have nothing to do. Stupid Jamba Juice won't even let me work for them and I've been there 3 years! I can't seem to even begin to figure out how to start in with my music. No one is coming to my graduation party I feel like, and the only person who spends any time with me is Chris. Ashleigh doesn't have time for me and when she does she makes all these comments that make me feel bad. We took a whole trip together and by the end of it all I wanted to do was cry. I want to spend time with her and not be interrupted, have to step outside because JC feels crowded having me over, or feel like I'm just a pity/burden. I just don't feel wanted right now. I miss people. I miss my roommates and my friends at school. I miss getting to see people. I miss doing something....ANYTHING!

It's miserable being back home. Ashleigh's right, I am depressed and no one seems to get that. I try to talk about it, explain, or try to make myself feel better but nothing helps. It's so hard adjusting. I knew it would be, but I feel like I'm the only one having a hard time. People face problems either finding a job or figuring out where they are going to be, but they don't seem to be having a hard time adjusting to not being in school. APU was my life; my home. I miss everything about it. I miss being on my own. I miss being able to come home and feel home and getting to relax. I don't like never getting to see my mom because she's too busy or feeling like I did in high school, the ignored child when it comes to my dad. This whole post is a huge pity party and it makes me sick to my stomach and how pathetic I am being. I hate doing this. I hate complaining like this. I have a great life. Great family, friends, and I'm safe and healthy. I have people that love me and people I love, but I just feel so lost. I hate that....

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