Monday, October 10, 2011

Confused Much?

Life is really beginning to take it's toll on my heart. I feel as if I truly am on a roller coaster. I feel as if so many people have said that, but I feel you travel through the ups and downs of happiness or the ups and downs of heartache. I feel as if I am taking drastic leaps from one end of the totem pole to the other. I'm not sure what direction my life is headed at the moment, but I hope to get some sort of insight. Ashleigh, my best friend, is currently not speaking to me. Well, I guess that is an unfair accusation since she isn't "not" speaking to me, but she is not acting like my friend either. Chris, I don't know where I stand with him, where my heart is, or what I want out of this relationship. I hope to God that I am not holding on for the comfort rather than for my heart and his. Other friends, are sporadic. They are spread across the state, the country, and the world and I feel very flustered without my support system. My family has enough going on in their own lives that keeps me concerned and worried enough as is. As for other people, I'm even more confused.

Friends are a blessing, unfortunately this blessing feels occasionally like a burden. They are also the tip of my smile. It is nice to have someone to brighten my dreary day and to make me laugh. Nice to have someone to connect with, someone so similar to me, but at the same time this friendship may cost me more than I am willing to pay. I'm not willing to lose others because of this and I'm not willing to sacrifice someone else's feelings for the temporary gratification of my own. Unfortunately, I currently do not have the answer. I cannot bring myself to walk away, but sometimes that seems like the necessary choice. I want to be true to my heart and allow them to be true to theirs and we probably cannot do that together. We are spark waiting to catch, a fire ready to burn, and a disaster waiting to happen. I do not need those terrible after effects following me for the rest of my days. Tragedy is hard enough as it is, why complicate it more by not stopping the wreck before it happens?

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