Strange to say the least

Dream time. So just woke up from one of my stranger dreams and I need to write it down so I don't forget. I always feel that when I literally write it down, I do not write as quickly as I type and I seem to leave essential details out and since it is on paper I find it more difficult to backtrack. Anyway, I had a dream that my friend Ashley got married. Now normally this would not be seen as an odd dream, but the difference is, this is not a friend that I ever talk to. Ashley O. was my good friend in high school, but freshman year of college we had a major falling out. It was rough for awhile, but I have since recovered. We also attempted to make up, but nothing ever came from that except for the acceptance that we are comfortable with how our relationship is, though neither of us has ever said that. We message each other on Facebook just to say hi maybe once every six months or so, but aside from that, we don't ever talk. Anyway, it starts out with me arriving with my friend. Sadly enough, I cannot remember who I was there with. The first person I see is Nicole. This is also a girl from my high school, we used to be best friends my freshman/sophomore year, but then she discovered much cooler people to befriend and ditched me. Anyway, her and Ashley are not even friends (nor have they ever been) and neither are her and I so it was strange to see her there. I do, however, still have a picture in my room of the two of us so maybe that's why. In my dream, though, I was not bothered by her presence, I did not find it odd, it was completely natural and I approached her as if I were looking for her. Turns out she was one of the ushers for the wedding. She was dressed in a prom type dress, as were many of guests, at least the young people, and shocked by all this I followed them. After I entered this giant, beautiful church (also strange because Ashley is Jewish) that had stairs that went up to the stage, a large podium off to the right vaulted ceilings, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and all these other gorgeous details I do not think I have seen before. Honestly, without all the glam, it kind of reminded me of the church attached to my elementary school. It was bigger than that, but during the service we could here clapping from another room, and I assumed it was from the conference room across the hall. This made sense because though we did not go to the same elementary school, Ashley and myself, being a Christian school and all, but we had talked about how funny it was that we were so close to each other our whole lives but never met until high school. Anyway, I walk in and now I'm in an equally gorgeous dress and I'm walking to my seat in the back. We did not enter because they were taking people in the church in some sort of order and so we were trying to wait our turn. Then the choir starts singing, and we realized we needed to go in and Stefani had just run by to go tell Ashley they were ready for her. So then, we picked two seats on the end, on the right side, in the second to last row. Behind us, was Ashley's dad. He could not figure out the camera and was talking about it out loud as the choir sang, and whoever I was with (this was a girl by the way, one of my friends whose face I cannot picture now, but I guess it wasn't important) knew a lot about them so she helped him. So I move to the back because that way I could take better pictures. The choir had stopped singing and moved to the ends of the stage and now all these other people were on the stairs in some sort of formation and I had not even realized that Ashley had already made her entranced, I missed it! For some reason I was not that upset about it, very shocking for me, and Ashley's dad, not being able to work his camera, asks me to remind him who everyone is. This was the weird part, the people on stage. So I use my camera to zoom in on people's faces to make it more clear for him to see. I tell him the whole first row was the year before us in high school or more. There were our freshman that Ashley, Ashleigh, and I claimed our senior year, except they looked exactly the way they had when we met them. This girl I was in jazz choir with for a little while before she dropped, can't remember her name but she was blonde, and other people I recognized from our Chamber Choir in high school and other places around campus. Then I looked around and noticed that the bridesmaids consisted of Shiloah, the accompanist for my college choir that Ashley does not even know, Michaela and Kelsey were there as well. Lisa was there also which was very shocking because all those people are from my college and she does not know them. Then I Can't remember if Stefani was on stage, but I know she was there. Then I spotted Ashley. She looked SO incredibly beautiful her hair was blonde on top with her brown roots coming through, but in an intentional manner, the bottom underneath was her natural brown and the rest highlighted dirty blonde made her hair shine! She had this diamond necklace that started in a circle shape like a typical necklace then came in like a "V" to a point. It went well with her V neck dress that had lace sleeves in some sort of design in a creamy type white and it came over forming into the dress that had buttons attached to the dress with the lace, that came down the middle then spread out in the bottom forming the trail. It was beautiful. It is much better in my head though. The bridesmaid dresses were somewhat similar, but nothing in comparison to how beautiful her dress was. They had on knee length dresses that were a dark violet color (had a blue under tone to it) and they had shawls over them that were lace like her dress. It was a different lace of course, there was not white, but more a cream/tan type color. There's did not shine either, hers sparkled, I think because she always had that sparkling personality. So the shawl's sleeves came to their wrists and it went almost all the way down to the bottom of their dresses, but you could see the dress through them. They had a bouquet of white flowers, but not a daisy just something like that with purple roses that matched their dresses in the middle mixed in with the white. So pretty! Anyway, her little sister was her maid of honor. None of Ashley's friends that I knew were there because I do not know them. Anyway, Ashley and all those people were up there singing something. Then they step down and Jonte, another person from my college, gets up and starts singing. He walks over to the keyboard and plays something fabulous and sings. I remember being jealous that all my friends were in her wedding, but that passed as I thought it. I noticed to the left of me way in the front a dog was there, a giant dog. Super cute, but he kept climbing over people in an awkward manner, that was when I woke up. Weird right? I feel like I was thinking about weddings because I talked to my soon to be married friend Jasmine before bed, and I was thinking about having married friends, but it does not add up to why it was Ashley in my dream and not someone else, someone I talk to more or spend time with.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

In one week and two days I will perform my junior recital. The chaos and stress that is bring to my life is not something I am thrilled about. I am excited to perform, I'm excited so many people are coming, and I am excited that I finally get to do something just for me that shows how far my voice and talent has come in the last 3 years here at APU. I'm so nervous though. I want everything to go so well. I finally picked out my dress, my mom is picking it up tomorrow. It is gorgeous and I want it to look beautiful so I have spent three weeks eating right and exercising. I feel I am doing really well and am losing weight, but better than that, I feel healthy. I printed my poster up yesterday and will be putting them up today. Everything is basically prepared. I need to make sure I have my songs down and the words and meaning all align. I hope everyone enjoys it. Things have been so crazy lately with school and work. Teachers seem to think we have this endless amount of time to devote to their specific class. I made a page and a half list of all the things I need to accomplish. It sounds doable, but on the down side there is so much that goes into each of those things that I'm very nervous about it. Tonight I have work at Jamba Juice, then tomorrow morning as well. Then Chris will come get me, I will go home and get my dress and shoes and take a load of my stuff home. I will spend some time with Chris for a change which will be nice and then I have to be back at school by 1230 on Sunday for the two shows I have that day. It is such a busy weekend that I am NOT looking forward too. I honestly don't want to go to Bel Canto on Sunday because I know I really need to work on my homework and papers and recital pieces. Anyway, thinking about all this is stressing me out. I am now going to spend the remainder of class looking over my French pieces. Wish me luck!

All is Well

It has been so nice getting to spend some quality time with my best friend. I've missed her so much and we spent all day yesterday together just being us. She brings out a different side of me and I'm so lucky to have such a wonderful friend like her. There are so many good times between us and so many memories. I really think that part of who we are and who we once were are still apart of each of us in the memories and times we have shared together. 6 years is a long time to spend as the best of friends and it's funny to see how much we have grown, but better yet, how much we remain the same, especially when we are together. We made a bunch of fun videos on our Macs last night, something we haven't done for a couple years. We laughed so hard and that was really good. I'm happy I stayed the night, we had a blast. I love that she is so happy, I feel she is happier here at JC's then she was the past few years at home with Tony. She loves her dad, but it got to the point that she couldn't live with him and I feel that has really let her come into her own and be herself. It's like she was finally free, free to be her, free to do what she wanted and needed to do, and to grow into the incredible women sitting next to me aimlessly staring at her computer. I'm so lucky. JC is great too. I think he is so right for her and they bring the best elements out in one another. They fit together so well, I love them, individually, but even more together as a loving, content, and happy-go-lucky couple. They make me smile. It's funny, I am writing this as I talk to both of them. I love how he makes her laugh and how easy-going his personality and humor is. They just go hand-in-hand so well and I love that. It's right, this is right, they are right, we are right, ALL is right.

Don't Give Up on the Lost, the Meek, the Small

I came to you tonight in search of the missing link. I wanted to finally hit that mark, score the winning goal, and meet my maker. I wanted to finally reaching the point of no return where my constant thirst would be met and once and for all, satisfied. I, however, revealed more truths about myself that my self-conscious has quite possibly been mulling over for sometime, but has refrained from sharing with my conscious. I was completely blown away at every word that spilled out of my mouth, yet as you already know, not surprised. It is not surprising that as a reenterd my apartment I sub-consciously did everything I told you I would do. The difference was, after it happened, I noticed I had done just that, nothing. As I went to close my computer I noticed the song title on my iTunes: "God Don't Give Up On Us." It hasn't hit me as you probably assumed by my intro that it would, but more likely grazed my cheek like a feather in the wind, evident yet transparent. One side of me knows what these means, is intended to give me hope, the other end can't make the connection with the rest of my brain, at least the part that controls anything coming remotely close to life and living. It is something I am working on and as the song has so kindly pointed out, so is God. I walked home, not thinking about much of anything, but at the same time everything, and the only thing that came to mind and I inevitably asked You or myself outloud, though which one I am not quite sure, was "Who am I?" I cannot answer that question for you so don't expect to discover the answer sometime in the near future, it will come to me when I let it, when I let Him, until then I am drifting along mindlessly, numbly, and sadly incoherent. Do I want to come out? Yes, I believe I do. I want to understand again, feel again, know again, but I know that today is not that day. Tomorrow very well may not be that day either. I do, however, have high hopes for Friday. It is probably one of those rare moments you hear about in books and fairy tales where one person is looking forward to being broken. I have learned how much my emotions so effect me and ultimately mean to me. They make me who I am, and I love that, if only I could get it back then I would be happy, or at least knew what it felt like to be happy. Thank you for my needed talk, thank you for sharing, caring, loving, praying, understanding, listening, laughing, and being the gift and grace I needed at that moment. I went to you looking for nothing and something all at once as we have noticed has recently become my theme, but I received so much more. You gave me back a piece of me, and I thank God for you and for that. I'm smiling, in my case, that's a step. Though I feel that loving tear in the back of my eye that will (not anytime soon i.e. tonight) come to surface, know that the warm thought is there and that is progress my friend. I hope I can give you all that you have so unselfishly bestowed to me this evening. I needed that and I did not even know it. You know how did though? Thank Him for me will you? I will too, the next time we talk. I did, however, just sit here saying, "thank you, thank you," over and over again in my head feeling nothing but air and hearing only the grumbling of bipolar stomach. I hope you know I mean it from my heart, on the positive side, I know it knows.

I love you, both of you, all of you.

Sincerely,

Your soon/striving to be broken friend

MIND-boggling

I cannot even seem to process this new information. How do you transfer something from possibilities to reality? I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know what to with this. I consistently look at that article trying to make it real, come to life for me so I can process, grieve, and move on. I haven't even cried over it, that is the strangest feeling for me. I feel like I am lying under this giant slab of metal that with one flip of the switch will come down and crush me. For now, it is only there to scare me. I refuse to accept that in actually, it can crush and may very well do just that. Maybe I am denying the facts to spare myself, my feelings, my well-being. Part of me is angry. Angry with myself for not being more upset, angry for being upset, not being able to get upset, and just angry that this is happening. I wish I could say positive things, that is something comforting that goes hand-in-hand with this tragedy, but if they don't believe, how can I say even that? I don't think even we realize how comforting it is to be a Christian, when things get hard we have God, we have this constant love of a Father no matter what. Not everyone has that and we take for granted our obvious advantage and blessing. This is just too unreal to fathom right now.

MIND-numbing

Why can't I tell you? Trust, what is trust? Is it the unconditional faith in your fellow human being? If so, where is the line drawn. When do you decide to trust in yourself and your gut versus the word of someone you trust. I want to know why I found that, what does it mean, does it have meaning at all? I believe in you, I believe in your beliefs, and I do trust in your constant strive for honesty, but I cannot seem to shake the gnawing feeling that something is off. If only I could figure it out. I know I say that when we are together everything is right, but unlike you, I lie. I also feel strange at school. Striving for the attention of others, to make myself feel good, but never acting, knowing I never could. I feel it is the same for you as it is for me, but why does my gut tell me something is just not right. Who to talk to about these things? We have already determined we cannot maturely discuss this amongst ourselves, then who could I confide in? For the first time, I have found something I can address to no one. It is the strangest feeling, I should learn to deal with things on my own without needing to discuss it with someone else, but that is not have I function. It is not emotionally satisfying for me, and more difficult than I had anticipated. Then again, how could I even begin to imagine I would be in this predicament. If the two of you could only decide what you want, decide what is true, and be honest with me I can then take the next step in deciphering this ridiculously difficult puzzle that I can only assume was designed for only an expert to conquer. Ah, here comes the fog. Dark, gray, heavy, and consistent. At least there is still one thing I can count on, the headaches.

MIND-less

There is so much currently happening in my life that is sending my mind into a constant tailspin. I feel like my head it never moving, I stare aimlessly at my school work, music, and schedules. I watch Gilmore Girls in order to escape the constant nagging of my overflowing file cabinet of a brain. Music hasn't even been a sufficient enough escape recently due to the fact that every note reminds me of something I have to do, something I'm thinking of doing, something I want to do, and people I need to deal with. This is not my ideal desire for my daily life. I hate being engrossed in my thoughts by a constant slow and dreary movement of fog that I can visualize passing my gaze every once in awhile. I wish I could write something more substantial, something that actually made sense to the average person, or even myself! I do not understand what it happening. Being with you makes me forget the confusion, yet brings it all come crashing to a halt then jump starting over and over again. It's like a never ending game of Simon says, except you aren't Simon and this is not fun. Does this even make sense? No. Oh to be able to express myself in a clear cut fashion, but the outcome would only bring about pain and suffering as the dagger that pierces Juliet's heart upon eying lifeless her beloved lying next to her. Sleep is a the agonizing turning and returning over glancing at a bright red light that unfortunately only brings the depressing news of three minutes passing since the last time I glanced it's way. If only I could make one, just one, person understand my festering predicament, then all would inevitably set it's self right and I wouldn't have to continue to mundanely talk to my reflection day-after-day.