They don't know you like I do. They have not seen you at your best, your worst, your blackened heart, or your deceiving smirk. You took a life that was pure and untainted and covered it with memories of pain and deception. They could never understand that. You did so much more than break my heart. You took more than my heart with you. Though I managed to retrieve a heart that was never yours to begin with, you left a pain so much more significant than I could ever begin to explain. You cheated, you lied, you hit, and you hated. You confused, you seduced, you prowled, and you conquered. I gave you everything. I let myself be vulnerable and trusting, because that's who I am. You manipulated every smile, every gesture, every word, and every touch. You betrayed me. You pulled me into this never-ending cycle and once the spinning had finally come to a stop; I was left standing in a pool of tears with nothing to show for my experience, but a million questions all beginning with why.
Forgiveness is a tricky concept. One with which we all come to struggle with at some point or another. I like to look for the best in people and see them for who they really are. I give the benefit of the doubt and have never walked away from someone despite the pain or heartache. I'm as loyal as they come, and sadly that has bit me in the ass. Due to this quality, one of my finer ones might I add, I still have to remember; I need to remember. Your capabilities are astounding, your strength more than physical, and your mind a constant state of confusion and riddles. You thrive on the mysteries in life, particularly your own, but I am done playing your games. I played them for many years, stuck in a never-ending cycle of Jumanji, and I'm ready to reach the end and send the monkey man home. I've attempted to walk away from you so many times. My feelings, though they were present at one time, now only resemble that of a newly paved road. I pray for the strength to live a day without thinking about you. I pray that what you put me through does not affect my current relationships. I finally let you in on my secret, I told the truth, and you walked away. It was what I needed from you. I am thankful for those peaceful two years of silence, your ever present desire to be heard and pop back into places where you are so apparently unwanted is getting to be a bit a more than just an annoying habit. I do not know why you take great pride in screwing up everyone else's lives in order to make yours seem a bit more sane, or perhaps more extraordinary, but I'm tired of being the center of your circus parade. I will not be the show. You can no longer toy with me. I have cut the strings. You are not my maker, God is. You do not control me; God is the only man with whom I take any direction from. I will let you go one day. One day, by God's grace, I will forgive you. On this night, on this couch, it may not be that very evening, but someday I will take that step. Right now I still revel in the pain and the trembling turmoil that runs through my memory box engraved with your name. It is a small, but significant box, as most of them generally are.
Know that He will win in the end, for I will not allow you to defeat this once timid lamb again. I will stand before an almighty maker at the end and tremble in His power, but before you I will not allow that same respect. You are not worthy of anything, but a permanent change in octaves. Enjoy your life, because I will certainly enjoy mine as long as you are far from it.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Daddy's Girl
As the tears trickle down my face I remember that same look on your face, the same look on my face, and that fateful day when everything I ever knew came to an end. How I miss your smile, your laugh, your love. I miss everything about you. I miss being your little girl. I wish I had known, really known. I wish I had understood. I was so small and so naive. I remember watching you as we drove away, watching you watch us leave. I remember asking my sobbing mother why daddy was watching us leave. She said he was saying goodbye. I never knew why or what that meant at the time, how could I. It wasn't until many years later that I had realized how significant that moment truly was. It was the last time I would ever see my daddy.
I've been a good girl. I hope I make you proud. There are days I know that I don't, for that I am sorry. I think about you often, and rarely. Some days it is just too hard to think about, others it seems all too factual. I'm sure you have noticed the going-ons in my life. I wish you were here to go through them with me. As I sit here staring at a photo of you encompassing me in your arms, I remember what it meant to be a daughter. What "daddy's girl" truly means. The meaning strikes more hearts than I could probably count. I wish that I could take the pain away from some and explain the value in what they have to others. It makes me sad that I never really got that experience. I am so thankful for mom. She has been my rock through everything. She took care of me. She makes everything ok. I don't know where I would be without her.
I hope you are happy, wherever you are. I hope you watch over me and smile. I hope you laugh with me, and cry with me, and love with me. I take you with me everywhere I go. You will always be the most important man in my life, in my heart, daddy. I love you, and I always will.
I've been a good girl. I hope I make you proud. There are days I know that I don't, for that I am sorry. I think about you often, and rarely. Some days it is just too hard to think about, others it seems all too factual. I'm sure you have noticed the going-ons in my life. I wish you were here to go through them with me. As I sit here staring at a photo of you encompassing me in your arms, I remember what it meant to be a daughter. What "daddy's girl" truly means. The meaning strikes more hearts than I could probably count. I wish that I could take the pain away from some and explain the value in what they have to others. It makes me sad that I never really got that experience. I am so thankful for mom. She has been my rock through everything. She took care of me. She makes everything ok. I don't know where I would be without her.
I hope you are happy, wherever you are. I hope you watch over me and smile. I hope you laugh with me, and cry with me, and love with me. I take you with me everywhere I go. You will always be the most important man in my life, in my heart, daddy. I love you, and I always will.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Petty
Just a mess of thoughts running through my crazy mind. I do not know what to feel, what to think, or even what to write. This is probably going to spill out like jelly beans from a knocked over jar, a mess of color that looks pretty, but sucks to clean up after. SO many people are getting married or engaged now. I guess I have hit that age. My friend Alysha just had a baby, my cousin is pregnant, my friends Meghan, Keyera, and Lauren all got engaged within this month. It is just a mess of stuff to take on at one time. So far, I have 10 friends that are engaged and 6 married friends. Not all of the married friends are ones I talk to on a regular basis or are friends I am particularly close to, but it just trips me out knowing that this many people are settled down or preparing to settle down. It's not that I am unhappy about their new found happiness, if anything, I am ecstatic for them! I am just overwhelmed by THIS much joy and love going on. That sounds equally cynical, but I am just feeling lost and left behind. I thought I was going to be one of those people, but not this soon. Now that it is no longer a reality for me, I feel a bit bitter when I see others taking on that feat. It is good for them. I just wish that I weren't hurting right now and their happiness weren't highlighting my own disappointment.
Stop being ridiculous Christina. I need to be happy for my friends. I need to embrace their happiness and not hold any unpleasant feelings during their time of excitement and bliss. This is a time to celebrate, not to mourn your own selfish losses. Grow up.
Stop being ridiculous Christina. I need to be happy for my friends. I need to embrace their happiness and not hold any unpleasant feelings during their time of excitement and bliss. This is a time to celebrate, not to mourn your own selfish losses. Grow up.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
First Meet
Today is going to be a good day! I can feel it in the air, this is God's day. Today my mom, my dad, and my grandma and I are all headed out to Port Hueneme to see Jason lead worship and preach at his church. I am so excited! I have seen him play drums for worship and mandolin; I have also seen him do a short worship time for his worship design class, but I have never truly seen him in his element. I am so excited to see him on stage worshiping, as well as, excited to hear him speak. I know he is going to be great and God is going to work through him. He has been a bit stressed about his speech so I am happy that it is almost over only because he will feel better. I am really excited to hear it though! This is also the first time our parents are meeting. It was supposed to be just my mom and his mom meeting, then heading to lunch as the four of us. However, my grandma decided she really wanted to go and his mom Mary said that was fine. Then my dad decides he wants to come so that explains that. It should be fine though. I am mostly looking forward to my mom meeting his mom. His mom is so wonderful. I've only met her twice and I love her already. She makes me feel so welcomed, comfortable, loved, and appreciated. It took her less than 5 minutes to do all that and I was completely blown away. I fell in love with her instantly! I have never met anyone as nice as my mom and I was so excited to meet someone who is just as kind-hearted and loving as my own mother. It also explains a lot about Jason, which I love! Anyway, I will have to update how the sermon and meeting actually went, but until then wish us luck!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
A New Path
It is amazing how quickly your life can change. One day, you are driving along this road that has twists and turns, but you are prepared for all of them. When all of a sudden, the road has changed and nothing around you looks familiar. You are suddenly lost, just as quickly as you realize this and begin to fear, you spot a familiar sign in the distance and sigh in relief that there is comfort and refuge at the end of this strange and new road.
In so many ways, that has become my life. Everything for me has changed, in more ways than one. A few weeks ago, nothing made sense. I was, however, comfortable. I was confused, but content in my confusion because it was familiar. I could deal with it because I had been dealing with it for 2 years. Now, everything has literally changed. I am no longer in that place, with that man, or doing anything I had done before. Someone who was once so adamantly involved in my life, has since vanished. There are the occasional break down moments where I reach for that phone, dial that all too familiar number, and cry to the man I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. That wasn't God's plan, and if we are completely honest with ourselves (which we should be) it was never mine either. I knew in the end I could not marry him, I hoped, however, that something would happen, something would change that for me. Something did happen. He did what I could have never done. He walked away. It hurts, it honestly breaks my heart. I am struggling with it more than I let anyone know. Even when I talk to people about how hurt I am, I am hiding. Hiding behind my constant smile, even hiding behind my tears. I lost the man I love, I had to let him go. I am dealing with the pain of that now more than ever and will continue to deal with it for a very long time. Last night, in senior chapel, the preacher talked about us going and God showing. We have to go, for God to show us. Faith is believing, not seeing. How true that is. I had to keep praying for weeks, months really, about what I should do about Chris. I knew I needed more, I needed something to change. It wasn't going to change, I always knew that deep down, but I always hoped because I loved him. When it didn't, and I made that call asking him if he was out, I received the response that stabbed at my insides and let me know what I needed to know. I knew he was going to break up with me, I knew if he wasn't, that I needed to. So after many tears and breakdowns, I got in the car and drove to him. I went, I took that leap of faith praying that God would lead me. I ended up on his door step and God gave me a gift. He gave me the gift of honesty. Honesty with myself, with him, and in the whole situation. He gave me words, words to say to explain how I felt and what I really needed out of this that I wasn't getting. He gave me the gift of not having to do the deed myself. I believe God knew I was not strong enough to do it, not in a place where I could do it, and I needed him to do it. I needed Chris to be the strong one for us for one last time and he was. He did it for me and for him. We needed that, he knows that. He has been true to that as well. I know I couldn't go back. Do I want to? Yes, a lot of the time I do. I want that familiarity back, the comfort, having someone who's knows me better than anyone else. I cannot, however, rightfully do that. God showed me that. After driving home, back to school, I made a call. A call to another man. A man who has stood by my side through all of this. Has repeatedly shown me what I need, what is right, and what God has in store for me. He calmed me down, he talked me home, and he embraced me with open arms when I got there. He is the man I now love. It happened so quickly, yes. It took me by surprise, yes. I never expected this to happen, yes. I am terrified on so many different levels, yes. But despite all of the doubts and fears that creep into my mind on a day to day basis, he has been there. He has never left. I don't believe it ever will. He is in my life because God placed him there. We feel God in our relationship, something neither of us has ever felt before, and something we could never go back from because it is so right there seems to be no other way to really be with someone without Him. I did not know what to think when this all happened. In a way, I still don't. I struggle and I am down, but the difference is I have a God who loves me, a man who loves me, and a man that can make me smile and laugh when I need it the most. He doesn't realize how much he is doing for me, but God does. God knows me, He knows me better than ANYONE. He knows where I would be, what would happen if I did not have these people in my life. I needed to see what it looked like to be loved, what that meant for my life. I needed to see what God's love looked like through another person. He has given me a wonderful man that has shown me all that. He shows me something new every day. He shows me what I need and want, every day. I still cannot believe how easy, quickly, and deeply I fell for him. He has been my best friend for years and now I can genuinely say I am dating my best friend. It took me time to make Chris my best friend, but Jason and I already have that foundation. I couldn't imagine being with him or anyone without it. He makes me want to smile, want to be happy, want to be a better person. That's what it is all about, right? I want to talk to God together, I want to pray together. I want to share everything from struggles to praises together. I have NEVER experienced anything like that before. It is the most incredible feeling. The earthly struggles and hard times that get me down, where Jason doesn't know how to help me, is where I miss Chris. That shouldn't matter, but it does. I need that yes, but everything takes time. Chris knew what I needed physically and emotionally. Jason knows me spiritually and that is more valuable than anything else I ever could have received from my two years with the other man. Do I still miss him and struggle with not being together? Yes, I cannot deny that. God keeps showing me something new, however, that I need even more I just never had it so I never knew the true value behind that spiritual connection. I love them, both of them. In very different ways and I cannot rightfully be with someone knowing my heart is still with another. When that day comes and I have let go of my past, I will give him my heart. My whole heart and the most wonderful part about it is that I know he will be standing there, waiting, smiling, and there will be nothing that will keep us apart. God has a plan. I don't know the plan and frankly, I don't want to know. I trust Him, I trust where He is taking me and all I need to do now is just go. God will take care of everything, I know that. I know not being with Chris is right. I know he never could have given me what God needed me to have. I know that Jason is right. I know that he can give me everything God has in store for my life. He will help me stay in line with God, and He knows I need that more than any material things I could have ever gotten somewhere else. I value him so much and I am literally so thankful God has brought him into my life.
God, You are so great. I love You so much. You have stood by my side through the thickest of times. We have gotten through them together before, and we will do it yet again. You have placed some incredibly wonderful people in my life. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am even more thankful I have You Lord. You give me strength, comfort, shelter, refuge, and a life that has meaning. A life I want to praise You with, give to You, and be fruitful in Your loving eyes. I want to be near You. I want to know You better. Help me to seek You first God. Help me to be a beacon of hope and truth for Your Word and Your love. I love You God, I love You.
In so many ways, that has become my life. Everything for me has changed, in more ways than one. A few weeks ago, nothing made sense. I was, however, comfortable. I was confused, but content in my confusion because it was familiar. I could deal with it because I had been dealing with it for 2 years. Now, everything has literally changed. I am no longer in that place, with that man, or doing anything I had done before. Someone who was once so adamantly involved in my life, has since vanished. There are the occasional break down moments where I reach for that phone, dial that all too familiar number, and cry to the man I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. That wasn't God's plan, and if we are completely honest with ourselves (which we should be) it was never mine either. I knew in the end I could not marry him, I hoped, however, that something would happen, something would change that for me. Something did happen. He did what I could have never done. He walked away. It hurts, it honestly breaks my heart. I am struggling with it more than I let anyone know. Even when I talk to people about how hurt I am, I am hiding. Hiding behind my constant smile, even hiding behind my tears. I lost the man I love, I had to let him go. I am dealing with the pain of that now more than ever and will continue to deal with it for a very long time. Last night, in senior chapel, the preacher talked about us going and God showing. We have to go, for God to show us. Faith is believing, not seeing. How true that is. I had to keep praying for weeks, months really, about what I should do about Chris. I knew I needed more, I needed something to change. It wasn't going to change, I always knew that deep down, but I always hoped because I loved him. When it didn't, and I made that call asking him if he was out, I received the response that stabbed at my insides and let me know what I needed to know. I knew he was going to break up with me, I knew if he wasn't, that I needed to. So after many tears and breakdowns, I got in the car and drove to him. I went, I took that leap of faith praying that God would lead me. I ended up on his door step and God gave me a gift. He gave me the gift of honesty. Honesty with myself, with him, and in the whole situation. He gave me words, words to say to explain how I felt and what I really needed out of this that I wasn't getting. He gave me the gift of not having to do the deed myself. I believe God knew I was not strong enough to do it, not in a place where I could do it, and I needed him to do it. I needed Chris to be the strong one for us for one last time and he was. He did it for me and for him. We needed that, he knows that. He has been true to that as well. I know I couldn't go back. Do I want to? Yes, a lot of the time I do. I want that familiarity back, the comfort, having someone who's knows me better than anyone else. I cannot, however, rightfully do that. God showed me that. After driving home, back to school, I made a call. A call to another man. A man who has stood by my side through all of this. Has repeatedly shown me what I need, what is right, and what God has in store for me. He calmed me down, he talked me home, and he embraced me with open arms when I got there. He is the man I now love. It happened so quickly, yes. It took me by surprise, yes. I never expected this to happen, yes. I am terrified on so many different levels, yes. But despite all of the doubts and fears that creep into my mind on a day to day basis, he has been there. He has never left. I don't believe it ever will. He is in my life because God placed him there. We feel God in our relationship, something neither of us has ever felt before, and something we could never go back from because it is so right there seems to be no other way to really be with someone without Him. I did not know what to think when this all happened. In a way, I still don't. I struggle and I am down, but the difference is I have a God who loves me, a man who loves me, and a man that can make me smile and laugh when I need it the most. He doesn't realize how much he is doing for me, but God does. God knows me, He knows me better than ANYONE. He knows where I would be, what would happen if I did not have these people in my life. I needed to see what it looked like to be loved, what that meant for my life. I needed to see what God's love looked like through another person. He has given me a wonderful man that has shown me all that. He shows me something new every day. He shows me what I need and want, every day. I still cannot believe how easy, quickly, and deeply I fell for him. He has been my best friend for years and now I can genuinely say I am dating my best friend. It took me time to make Chris my best friend, but Jason and I already have that foundation. I couldn't imagine being with him or anyone without it. He makes me want to smile, want to be happy, want to be a better person. That's what it is all about, right? I want to talk to God together, I want to pray together. I want to share everything from struggles to praises together. I have NEVER experienced anything like that before. It is the most incredible feeling. The earthly struggles and hard times that get me down, where Jason doesn't know how to help me, is where I miss Chris. That shouldn't matter, but it does. I need that yes, but everything takes time. Chris knew what I needed physically and emotionally. Jason knows me spiritually and that is more valuable than anything else I ever could have received from my two years with the other man. Do I still miss him and struggle with not being together? Yes, I cannot deny that. God keeps showing me something new, however, that I need even more I just never had it so I never knew the true value behind that spiritual connection. I love them, both of them. In very different ways and I cannot rightfully be with someone knowing my heart is still with another. When that day comes and I have let go of my past, I will give him my heart. My whole heart and the most wonderful part about it is that I know he will be standing there, waiting, smiling, and there will be nothing that will keep us apart. God has a plan. I don't know the plan and frankly, I don't want to know. I trust Him, I trust where He is taking me and all I need to do now is just go. God will take care of everything, I know that. I know not being with Chris is right. I know he never could have given me what God needed me to have. I know that Jason is right. I know that he can give me everything God has in store for my life. He will help me stay in line with God, and He knows I need that more than any material things I could have ever gotten somewhere else. I value him so much and I am literally so thankful God has brought him into my life.
God, You are so great. I love You so much. You have stood by my side through the thickest of times. We have gotten through them together before, and we will do it yet again. You have placed some incredibly wonderful people in my life. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I am even more thankful I have You Lord. You give me strength, comfort, shelter, refuge, and a life that has meaning. A life I want to praise You with, give to You, and be fruitful in Your loving eyes. I want to be near You. I want to know You better. Help me to seek You first God. Help me to be a beacon of hope and truth for Your Word and Your love. I love You God, I love You.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Forever 21
I cannot believe that today is the day I turn 21. This is such a weird feeling. This is the last "big deal" birthday. From here on out, they are only significant in increments of 10 (ex. 30, 40, 50).
I'm so happy! I have wonderful friends, a wonderful family, wonderful like. I am fortunate enough to be able to go to this incredible Christian school. I love it here and will be sad when I leave. I cannot believe this is my last birthday here. I have experienced so much here and have some wonderful memories and relationships I get to take with me when I leave. This is going to be a crazy day and granted I do not get to spend much time for myself, but I am still happy I get to be with the people I want to be with. 21 years of life, that's so crazy! I look forward to so many more!
Thank you God for the blessing of life, love, and happiness!
I'm so happy! I have wonderful friends, a wonderful family, wonderful like. I am fortunate enough to be able to go to this incredible Christian school. I love it here and will be sad when I leave. I cannot believe this is my last birthday here. I have experienced so much here and have some wonderful memories and relationships I get to take with me when I leave. This is going to be a crazy day and granted I do not get to spend much time for myself, but I am still happy I get to be with the people I want to be with. 21 years of life, that's so crazy! I look forward to so many more!
Thank you God for the blessing of life, love, and happiness!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Left in the Midst
What have you lost?
I lost my best friend.
I lost the love of my life.
I lost my heart.
I lost him.
I lost a part of myself.
I lost my other half.
I lost hope.
I lost my plans.
I lost my comfort.
I lost my support.
I lost love.
I lost my future.
I lost happiness.
I lost everything.
What am I left with?
Pain, so much pain. Heartache. I am left with an overwhelming desire for it all to be set right, for the pain to subside and for there to be a sense of calm over my soul. Most importantly, I am left with God, broken and alone.
I lost my best friend.
I lost the love of my life.
I lost my heart.
I lost him.
I lost a part of myself.
I lost my other half.
I lost hope.
I lost my plans.
I lost my comfort.
I lost my support.
I lost love.
I lost my future.
I lost happiness.
I lost everything.
What am I left with?
Pain, so much pain. Heartache. I am left with an overwhelming desire for it all to be set right, for the pain to subside and for there to be a sense of calm over my soul. Most importantly, I am left with God, broken and alone.
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