Don't Give Up on the Lost, the Meek, the Small

I came to you tonight in search of the missing link. I wanted to finally hit that mark, score the winning goal, and meet my maker. I wanted to finally reaching the point of no return where my constant thirst would be met and once and for all, satisfied. I, however, revealed more truths about myself that my self-conscious has quite possibly been mulling over for sometime, but has refrained from sharing with my conscious. I was completely blown away at every word that spilled out of my mouth, yet as you already know, not surprised. It is not surprising that as a reenterd my apartment I sub-consciously did everything I told you I would do. The difference was, after it happened, I noticed I had done just that, nothing. As I went to close my computer I noticed the song title on my iTunes: "God Don't Give Up On Us." It hasn't hit me as you probably assumed by my intro that it would, but more likely grazed my cheek like a feather in the wind, evident yet transparent. One side of me knows what these means, is intended to give me hope, the other end can't make the connection with the rest of my brain, at least the part that controls anything coming remotely close to life and living. It is something I am working on and as the song has so kindly pointed out, so is God. I walked home, not thinking about much of anything, but at the same time everything, and the only thing that came to mind and I inevitably asked You or myself outloud, though which one I am not quite sure, was "Who am I?" I cannot answer that question for you so don't expect to discover the answer sometime in the near future, it will come to me when I let it, when I let Him, until then I am drifting along mindlessly, numbly, and sadly incoherent. Do I want to come out? Yes, I believe I do. I want to understand again, feel again, know again, but I know that today is not that day. Tomorrow very well may not be that day either. I do, however, have high hopes for Friday. It is probably one of those rare moments you hear about in books and fairy tales where one person is looking forward to being broken. I have learned how much my emotions so effect me and ultimately mean to me. They make me who I am, and I love that, if only I could get it back then I would be happy, or at least knew what it felt like to be happy. Thank you for my needed talk, thank you for sharing, caring, loving, praying, understanding, listening, laughing, and being the gift and grace I needed at that moment. I went to you looking for nothing and something all at once as we have noticed has recently become my theme, but I received so much more. You gave me back a piece of me, and I thank God for you and for that. I'm smiling, in my case, that's a step. Though I feel that loving tear in the back of my eye that will (not anytime soon i.e. tonight) come to surface, know that the warm thought is there and that is progress my friend. I hope I can give you all that you have so unselfishly bestowed to me this evening. I needed that and I did not even know it. You know how did though? Thank Him for me will you? I will too, the next time we talk. I did, however, just sit here saying, "thank you, thank you," over and over again in my head feeling nothing but air and hearing only the grumbling of bipolar stomach. I hope you know I mean it from my heart, on the positive side, I know it knows.

I love you, both of you, all of you.

Sincerely,

Your soon/striving to be broken friend

MIND-boggling

I cannot even seem to process this new information. How do you transfer something from possibilities to reality? I can't seem to get it out of my head. I don't know what to with this. I consistently look at that article trying to make it real, come to life for me so I can process, grieve, and move on. I haven't even cried over it, that is the strangest feeling for me. I feel like I am lying under this giant slab of metal that with one flip of the switch will come down and crush me. For now, it is only there to scare me. I refuse to accept that in actually, it can crush and may very well do just that. Maybe I am denying the facts to spare myself, my feelings, my well-being. Part of me is angry. Angry with myself for not being more upset, angry for being upset, not being able to get upset, and just angry that this is happening. I wish I could say positive things, that is something comforting that goes hand-in-hand with this tragedy, but if they don't believe, how can I say even that? I don't think even we realize how comforting it is to be a Christian, when things get hard we have God, we have this constant love of a Father no matter what. Not everyone has that and we take for granted our obvious advantage and blessing. This is just too unreal to fathom right now.

MIND-numbing

Why can't I tell you? Trust, what is trust? Is it the unconditional faith in your fellow human being? If so, where is the line drawn. When do you decide to trust in yourself and your gut versus the word of someone you trust. I want to know why I found that, what does it mean, does it have meaning at all? I believe in you, I believe in your beliefs, and I do trust in your constant strive for honesty, but I cannot seem to shake the gnawing feeling that something is off. If only I could figure it out. I know I say that when we are together everything is right, but unlike you, I lie. I also feel strange at school. Striving for the attention of others, to make myself feel good, but never acting, knowing I never could. I feel it is the same for you as it is for me, but why does my gut tell me something is just not right. Who to talk to about these things? We have already determined we cannot maturely discuss this amongst ourselves, then who could I confide in? For the first time, I have found something I can address to no one. It is the strangest feeling, I should learn to deal with things on my own without needing to discuss it with someone else, but that is not have I function. It is not emotionally satisfying for me, and more difficult than I had anticipated. Then again, how could I even begin to imagine I would be in this predicament. If the two of you could only decide what you want, decide what is true, and be honest with me I can then take the next step in deciphering this ridiculously difficult puzzle that I can only assume was designed for only an expert to conquer. Ah, here comes the fog. Dark, gray, heavy, and consistent. At least there is still one thing I can count on, the headaches.

MIND-less

There is so much currently happening in my life that is sending my mind into a constant tailspin. I feel like my head it never moving, I stare aimlessly at my school work, music, and schedules. I watch Gilmore Girls in order to escape the constant nagging of my overflowing file cabinet of a brain. Music hasn't even been a sufficient enough escape recently due to the fact that every note reminds me of something I have to do, something I'm thinking of doing, something I want to do, and people I need to deal with. This is not my ideal desire for my daily life. I hate being engrossed in my thoughts by a constant slow and dreary movement of fog that I can visualize passing my gaze every once in awhile. I wish I could write something more substantial, something that actually made sense to the average person, or even myself! I do not understand what it happening. Being with you makes me forget the confusion, yet brings it all come crashing to a halt then jump starting over and over again. It's like a never ending game of Simon says, except you aren't Simon and this is not fun. Does this even make sense? No. Oh to be able to express myself in a clear cut fashion, but the outcome would only bring about pain and suffering as the dagger that pierces Juliet's heart upon eying lifeless her beloved lying next to her. Sleep is a the agonizing turning and returning over glancing at a bright red light that unfortunately only brings the depressing news of three minutes passing since the last time I glanced it's way. If only I could make one, just one, person understand my festering predicament, then all would inevitably set it's self right and I wouldn't have to continue to mundanely talk to my reflection day-after-day.

Sectionals = Sucktionals

Let me break this down for you, I officially cannot stand the fact that no one respects someone who has lost their voice, especially when they are standing in front of a choir coughing like crazy whispering at the top of their lungs, pushing their voice to breaking points, then watching their section stare at them in pure distaste and talk crazy amongst themselves. Some of whom are supposedly friends of mine, can I just personally say to that, bull shit. I worked my ass off up there trying to do the best I could without a voice. Then Rebecca, bless her heart, comes in with the alto section and she does this incredible job. Her and her assistant section leader both commented afterward that you could feel the tension and the fact that the sopranos did not want to be there and they apologized profusely that I had to deal with that. I need them to listen, respect me, and understand that I am trying really hard to communicate with them, but I can't. Poor Jen couldn't get the parts to match up the way she wanted and I know felt very uncomfortable with the idea of leading, but tried her best for me. I am emotionally exhausted, after everyone left last night I just cried at how bad it was. I had some great people comforting me, but the fact that those girls sat in the back and as Grace later confirmed talked a ton of shit just made me really mad. Poor Brian, I ran into him after sectionals and just walked up to him and started balling. He hugged while Jen and Grace explained why I was so upset. Once I had pulled away and regained my composure I apologized for my hysterics and he said he understood and had nothing to be sorry for. He said no one wants to be in sectionals so we get the most crap during sectionals because no one respects us. I can't wait for the next time when I have my voice. This is definitely not going to happen twice. I tried to smile and have fun, and be nice even though I was so frustrated. The whole time all I wanted to do was cry. I tried to keep my coughing to a minimum, and it took everything in me not to cry. I have a second sectional to attend today, not even attend, but lead. Luckily, this won't be my first sectional with them and this choir already respects and loves me. It still won't be easy, but them I can deal with. It's this other choir that I just hate.

Rapping for the Roomie

Chillin with my roommate Jasmine
Talking about all these crazy men
Rocking to them awesome songs
Haven't done this is so dang long
Texting, Typing, Talking, sweet
All while keeping that steady beat
Texting with my crazy bro
Man, you know he such a hoe
Wasting the day away
Facebook stalkin' all the way
Dance parites galore
Yeah, you know we want some more
Laughing, teasing, singin
Waiting for Adam to come a ringin'
We just too cool for all you nerds
Cause chillin with us is just too fun, word.

Delightful Dramatic Delinquents

Hello lonely friend,

I am sure you are wondering where I have been. I am aware my social skills are lacking in the area of maintaining important friendships. To fully understand my absence, you must know what has been occuring my strikingly busy schedule. To begin, let's start at the beginning of the week, Saturday in this particular case. Saturday was the Disneyland concert with Bel Canto. The chaotic planning and the extravagant amount of work that goes into making this particular production go even slightly smoothly is unbelievably ridiculous. After spending the majority of my morning on the telephone having an extensively profound conversation with Laura's answering machine, needless to say, I was not in the best of moods. After 35 unresponsive and pointless phone calls, 105 rings, and 35 "This is Laura's," we finally had all of the girls and made our way to Disneyland 45 minutes behind schedule. Once we had arrived in Disneyland and began booking it to The Toontown Bridge, I ran into a few of my girls, who drove to Disneyland, just wandering around the park. I don't care if the whole choir is late and you are in "The Happiest Place on Earth theme park," if I told you to be at the bridge at 10:30am, sit your ass down on a bench and wait for us so I don't have to wander around the park with a cellphone permanently attached to my ear dragging your delinquent butts off rides. Trust me, if Dr. Hughes did not insist everyone be present, I would not have to behave as if I were your parental unit rather than your leader who just finds your lack of responsibility annoying. In the mean time, I am receiving phone calls left and right from Dr. Hughes inquiring about the girls who have yet to arrive. After having found all the girls, the consistent one person who couldn't show up on time if you turned the clocks ahead for her, and after leaving a few sweet, yet completely fake, messages on the one girl who manages to always have an excuse and is never present for anything, rightly so I was now not in a happy-go-lucky, I-love-Disneyland kind of mood. After perfoming, however, I had managed to cheer up a bit and was ready to get as far way from everyone as possible. I spent a somewhat lovely day with my friends, aside from the angry still dwelling inside, it was fun. I am now, however, extremely disappointed in my leader's lack of responsibility, class, and respect for me and the rest of the officers. It is something I am currently learning to deal with in a mature manner as a, I'd like to think so, respected leader. Though I would rather have decked her the second she even thought of back talking me. She has another thing coming if she thinks I'm taking this crap sitting down. Wrong. Anyway... I then went home and spent sometime with Arie, who had come over for dinner, and my roommates. The evening turned out to be much better than the rest of the fun filled, exhausting day I had previously experienced.

Sunday- Luckily, we did not have to wake up too early for this concert and we only performing one show. However, the day was still obnoxiously long. We had a call time of 12:45pm with an intent on leaving at 1pm. Did that happen you ask? Why no Blog, it did not! Shockingly one of my officers was the one late this time, thank God it was only by 5 minutes because any later and I probably would have snapped. Most people say Thank God it's Friday, my new found theme, however, is Thank God for Patience, otherwise I would have killed someone by now. What I don't understand is if you knew what time the concert was at, what time we would be singing, and when we would be being fed, why would you not make sure you had filled up before getting on the bus? Well apparently, this concept is way too foreign for freshman because once we had arrived they had all started to complain about how hungry they were. After having 4 girls come ask me if I had any food, I decided to go to the store and get them some food. Stephanie came with me, seeing as she has the car, but once we came back Dr. Hughes didn't let them eat until 10 minutes before going on stage. It completely defeated the purpose of getting food, but whatever. I loved that everyone made a production of thanking Stephanie on Sunday for feeding them and then obnoxiously reiterating the point of how wonderfully observant and caring she is for seeing the girls' need for sustenance and going out to buy them food. I'm trying to be the bigger person however; so, how am I doing? Good? Thanks. The concert did go well, however, and I did thoroughly enjoy it. The dinner wasn't too bad, but I do have to say my favorite part of the day was going home and finally going to bed. I was not too thrilled with the fight I inevitably got into with Chris over the fact that he did not come see me at all that weekend, but again, inevitably we got over it all within the same hour. Good times!

It is shocking how much can happen in a two day period, and unimaginable what could possibly come next after my eventful estrogen filled weekend of choir fun!?! Yet, considering my class with Sage (surprising I know!!!) is almost over, I should probably call it quits for now. I will attempt, not promise but will try, to continue my obvious letter full of love.